Going to leave this place to rot for a while. Don't really have the mood to blog. Just seeing what's life going to throw at me next. Everything happens for a reason. Hopefully i'll be able to take it all.

See yah around then. (:

Posted up the previous post while i was still groggy from something... Either the throat infection was taking energy from my body to recover or the meds were causing it... Finally was awake enough to think about it yesterday. If ever such a girl stepped into my life, did i notice? Or was i looking somewhere else then?

I believe i've met a girl like that once. But i've lost her. I was inexperienced. I was stupid. Didn't knew what i had still it's gone. One doesn't really get much second chances in life. Can't blame her for everything that happened.

Am i a good guy? Quite far from it. There's still so much i don't know, so much i wish i knew how respond to, how to take care of. I shouldn't be prove that good guys exist, but that it's possible to become one. Sorry Jon that i'm not really that good guy you think i am. I'm just another normal guy trying to find his place in the world, and trying to do it without hurting anyone along the way. If it's just me getting hurt, it's fine thought, better only 1 person hurt then more than 1 feeling the pain.

Ah... Just reflections at the moment.

How to define a good guy or gal? Not really sure i guess. Just someone who genuinely want what's the best for everyone? Someone who works for the people? Someone who does what everyone wants? Someone who meets expectations? Someone who doesn't screw up other people's life?

So many questions, so little answers. And here i m, still searching for the answers.

Wouldn't be fair if i didn't post this up too

I’ve read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and screw up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made.

Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging.

Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find?

Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?

Taken from I'll Be There For You.

Oh well, kind of shows how dumb guys are. All of us are dumb somehow i guess, not appreciating what's around us until it's gone... :/

I guess i should go sleep early today... Wonder if i will recover enough ot go school tomorrow... MC covers tomorrow too so got excuse if i want to skip... =x

Oh well, that's all for now. See yah next time i think of something to post...

Going Vintage

Haven't really blogged in a while, maybe cause nowadays every time i feel like i got something i want to say or what i feel about things, after much though decide that it's best kept inside. No use sharing the distress at the moment, don't think some people are ready to take it yet at least... =x

Kelvin, remember what your name means... Show grace and be graceful...

Man... Stupid paranoid nature of me is starting to come up again... I wonder what triggered it... Must be something i did recently... Ah... Time to re-learn self control... Again... But someone who will just reassure me will help too... =x

Something just came to mind recently. Don't let someone else have a hold over you. Don't let anyone manipulate you. Best way to see is to ask around, for some reason people around tend to see everything better then from your point of view. There's a reason i don't borrow too many things from people. Sometimes it gives them an opening. Not everyone is so bad, like those more honest ones. But just be careful of those who just lead you into their hands bah... :/

Ah... Trying to save money recently but it just keeps flying away... Going to try a few different ways this week to see if they work... Today was not eating lunch, wonder what should i try tomorrow?? =x

If you wonder what does my title mean, refer back a few post to the one the church camp i went to. Vintage as in a vintage car which value increases with time. Just keep trying to improve myself at the moment, nothing much else i can do anyway. :\

Ok... I'm getting very tired... Ought to go sleep already... See yah around!!

Preparing For War...

Finally remember to pack my hobby tools from a hobby that never started off... Hopefully these tools will make my life easier over at Alpha Centre. Hopefully... =x

Just remember someone say all is fair in the game of love. I guess that's the excuse people give to back stab, sabotage, destroy, be unreasonable, beat up, kill, fight, push down, discourage, cheat, humiliate and other stuffs i can't think about now. I guess that speak volumes about their values. I guess to me it's not such a fair game after all.

Interestingly, 2 days ago on Sunday, while having breakfast (number 2) with friends and Auntie Lee Cher, we somehow ended up on the topic on relationships again. She said girls prefer guys who are sensitive and that the guys from church are actually quite decent. Then XX said i'm actually quite ok. Was shocked at first cause she rarely even compliments anyone, as least to me. =x Then Auntie Lee Cher went on about housework and how if a girl called you not man enough, she doesn't deserve you, and i just sat there staring while chewing my straw, cause i really didn't know how to respond... Was called nervous, but just really couldn't think of anything to respond cause was caught off guard... =x

I guess i don't like seeing people who run away from problems cause they can't handle it. What happened to responsibility? The problem would just come back later and bite harder then it did before... Yeouch...

Just wondering how fast can i bounce back from a set back now. Still seems very slow. Whenever i thought i'm okay, something else comes in and i feel lousy all over again, and the recovery process starts all over again. But i know i'll be fine eventually... Just a matter of when only... =x

Do you know who you are? Or are you just hanging around people in hope of becoming like them and hopefully having a friend? Find out who you are, not become like those around you. It gets harder and harder to be someone else, but all it takes to be yourself is just setting yourself free, and it gets easier instead of harder, cause you will be at less conflict with yourself. You are who you are, don't let anyone else tell you who you are, you show them who you are. There may be points we don't like, but that's where self improvement comes in. No one stays the same, but you can still be you even if you change. Look inside. Find yourself. Don't settle for being someone else. Show them who you are.

The paragraph above isn't random. It is meant for someone, don't know if that person will know it's for him/her. Can apply to anyone i guess. So do you know who you are?

I guess that's about all for now. Ulcer hurts now... Oh well, see yah around!

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
- Nickelback - If today was your last day

I ougth to start living up to my name...

Met the guy who helped gave me my Chinese name recently. Forgot to ask him why he gave me my name. Asked my parents what it meant anyway. Zhi was part of family tradition. The En came from the pastor. Supposed to mean grace. I ought to live up to the meaning... Hmm... What's the meaning? Er... Here is the definition from dictionary.com:

–noun
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses. Compare grace period.
8. Theology.
a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.
b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.
d. Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.
9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.
10. a short prayer before or after a meal, in which a blessing is asked and thanks are given.
11. (usually initial capital letter) a formal title used in addressing or mentioning a duke, duchess, or archbishop, and formerly also a sovereign (usually prec. by your, his, etc.).
12. Graces, Classical Mythology. the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.
13. Music. grace note.

–verb (used with object)
14. to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house.
15. to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.

—Idioms
16. fall from grace,
a. Theology. to relapse into sin or disfavor.
b. to lose favor; be discredited: He fell from grace when the boss found out he had lied.
17. have the grace to, to be so kind as to: Would you have the grace to help, please?
18. in someone's good (or bad) graces, regarded with favor (or disfavor) by someone: It is a wonder that I have managed to stay in her good graces this long.
19. with bad grace, reluctantly; grudgingly: He apologized, but did so with bad grace. Also, with a bad grace.
20. with good grace, willingly; ungrudgingly: She took on the extra work with good grace.

Er... Looks like a lot of things to attempt to be... @.@

Someone told me today that one of my previous post about nice guys is true, cause most of the time nice guys just can't stop being nice, even when they are treated like crap sometimes. =x

Today kind of lost. Have been feeling a little lost the past few days. Can't seem to get myself to program anything... Today didn't help make it any better anyway... Wonder if things became worst...

I got a feeling i talked a little too much yesterday... Forgot about what my journal is for again... Someone wack some sense into me... Not literally... =x

Ah... Just tired from a long day. Going off first bah... See yah...

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own..." - U2