Need... *pant* to... *pant* run...*pant*

What am i running from? I don't know... Why the title? I am not sure... Just feel like running away from everything... That probably the reason. I guess that will help me feel better. But i know that it will only help for the moment. Even if i managed to run away, i will still have to come back to face the world... the horrible world where material is everythin... where i hardly fit in... where i m so paranoid... where i have to play peacemaker... where i can't get the peace and privacy i want... But to look at the bright side to be fair, at least i have some friends worthy of mention, a caring family, teachers included... So i guess i am still stuck here, as i don't think i will be able to run away for long. So what's the use of running away anyway? Look like i gonna stay here for a very long time...

I actually always wanted to be warded to the hospital. Just for the fun of it. I always wanted to skip school with the valid reasons and not be shot at.(by the teachers, that is, no offence to anybody) I have always wonder what is it like to stay in a hospital for a few days... Wonder who will be bothered enough to visit me besides my parents... guess i will never know at the rate i am going, which is that i have never been to a hospital besides the time my dad was in the hospital... but that was a long time ago. But i guess i must be careful with this wish, or i just may get what i want...

Really feel like running now(pratically). But this knee of mine is prone to aches... hurts at times... but guess this is what i get for ignoring it in the past... I need to find another method of detressing beside basketball, or i am going to kill myself next year with the 'O' Levels coming...

Guess that's all my thoughts for today. Guess Lilin Was right about me feeling jealous over Swee Hao's blog. You can go read it in her blog at the links. Why should i jealous over some one's life being more interesting than mine? Guess i am not really happy with my life but not to the extend of wanting to become someone else.

That's probably all my thoughts for today. So till the next time i blog, be happy with with who you are. And remember i will be here, if you will ever need a listerning ear or some one to blast at or some one to talk to.(althought i doubt the first and last ones will ever apply.)

New Beginnings? Nope...

Brand new skin, brand new tagboard, but mainly same layout. This skin still seems quite nice even though it is quite dark. Guess i just got board of the old skin and found this nice one and decided to change. The midi background music is quite nice. the lyrics are also on the opening page. I found it myself as teh original didn't have it. Had to fill up the space with something... meaning and matching and thus found the lyrics. Comments on the change on the tagboard please.

Wow... never knew changing skin was so easy... must change once in a while to keep it looking... fresh. Always felt something was missing in my blog. Then i realised it was time to change the look, but guess was too lazy to do it until today... But nevermind, i did it anyway, didn't I?

That's all for today. Till the next post, kill mer if you feel i am idiotic or dumb or anything, that's is if you can do it without getting nailed down by the police, feeling guilty(i doubt so) or something like that. But always remember that i am only human and make mistakes too so forgive me.

Block-ed Off

Writer's block is what they call it. For me, it just that i lost the mood to write. I am even hestitating to write this. I can't get the peace nowadays... with my brother moving in and out of my room... same for my mom... Can't they understand a teen's need for privacy? Oh sure my mom says she can't read anything on the screen but how cani have the peace of mind with you walking into my room all the time, even when you don't have to? My bro is just a busybody who can't handle authority well, and guess what? I am also one of the "authority"...

I can't seem to find the reason to write anything at the moment. It just seem pointless now too... Ate a little(probably alot) too much for dinner just now. Was feeling horrible eariler. Till am now. I need to burp now but i can't.(need to burp? Well, it helps to relive my stomach of the excess air and thus clear it a little) What do i have to write about. I am also guessing my brother is going to come in any moment. killing him us against the law, so i will have to tolerate him, like i did to so many more. Tired today after a student council mass meeting. Damn tired. Seated for up to around 3 hours... feel like sleeping now.

Check out Swee Hao's blog, the link is where the links always are. It brand new. And it is now getting all the attention. Jealous? Of course I am. When I started out, mine was never so popular.(No offence Swee Hao) He also wanted me to blog, so here it is. And thank goodness my bro is not here yet. That's all for today, so till next time, can you people please suggest to me a reason to blog or a topic? I am currently getting dry on ideas.(Even thought i said this many times before in my other posts doesn't mean you can ignore it.) Cause it would be such a waste to shut this blog down.

Mama Mia!

Man that pizza yesterday was good. An hawaiian lover and super supreme from pizza hut, some where at orchard. I bumped(not actually but saw) into someone from my school. We don't know who each other are but probably knew each other only existed. Her name is Jenifer(name tag was there, i wouldn't ask anyway). She was working there. And now my bro is asking me why was i not wroking away my holidays... Any way, i love that stuffed crust pizza... still can taste the cheese in my mouth... yum... anyway, it was just my mom decided to bring my siblings and i for pizza because i kept asking for it? Complex...complex...

Nat talked to me about being a fool yesterday. Said i would get beaten up if i give others the attitude i gave him yesterday online(heck care, can't be bothered etc...). Just told him that my online personality is different from the real me. Complex personality problem i seem to have... hmmm... Oh well, at least i m not those kind with drastic changes, or do i? *ponder* Who knows and who cares anyway? He said in real life, people would probably laugh me off then rater beat me up... see the meaning? I am so dumb that it can can get me into trouble and get me out at the same time!!!! WOW!!! But he left me thinking if i want to stay like this all my life. Good question. I won't find the answer easy though, look like another few nights of sleeplessness for me...

That's all for today. I think i will leave here with a quote from an anime series "Gundam Seed Destiny" which i think is quite meaningful. ["If I had the power back then, if only I can get a hold of such power..."Anyone who has cried over his lack of power will think that...Probably...But from the time you get a hold of that power, you become the one who makes others cry.]

Lost And Found

Lost and confused some will say. I argued with my mom yesterday. Do i like argueing with people? With the exception of some, no. Especially my own family. But do one this think i can let my mom go on talking( complaining, not nagging, disrupting, crapping to some, lashing out to others) ? I chose to ask her nicely. At least this time i didn't shout. Improvement!!! She was lashing out at my brother for misbehaving at my uncle's house(babysit, childcare, etc...) but come on, the people are generally bias against him. Even if he done wrong, i don't think he would actually shout at my grandma(where my mom got her genes and now eventually my bro). My mom and bro are very similar. If they can't get what they want, they will do something...drastic? Or interesting? And if they are unhappy, they will lash out at others and shout away... probably my bro shouted my my grand ma, considering this fact... hope my talk to him yesterday did something good, as he could have ended up worst. My mom? she just kept saying she given up on him that kind of crap etc... Saying like how she is a bad mom etc... But i guess when i kept rubbing in the fact(she doesn't listern much to what people say) that if she knows that why don't she change kept her quiet for most of the night(most, not all).

Now for another matter all together, i finally re did the "poem" i wrote a few years back. It was when i was interested in somebody, no more eleboration. I named it "Found", and thus teh title Lost and foun for today. Here it is:

I was at the mall last Sunday
Looking for a gift
Went to a store I noticed days back
Which specialized in personally named gifts
I looked around the store
Looking for something that I knew was there
With a little help from my hands
I found what it was
Shocked by the name I saw
I went to the next stand
Scanned the listed of names available
And found the same name
Smiled this time when I saw it
There were necklaces on display
With peoples names engraved in them
I immediately looked for the name
Like it was second nature to me
I asked for it
After finding out it was the last one
Lucky me I thought
To be able to get it
With your name on it
As of all three items with your name on it
This was what I have been looking for

Very cheesey it is, but there wasn't any other better way to represent it.

Laughing at myself?

What's so funny? Is seeing a poem written 2 years ago with such bad vocab and such angst so funny? Guess it is... Want to see it? no... not until i have improved it up to standard first... so until then, u r gonna have to speculate about it...

I have got nothig much to type about today... juz slowing picking up the pace to speed up my home work... got a feeling a teacher is gonna read this thought. When i was in school today and i happen to saw my maths teacher's face, i was shocked. She looked like she got up from the wrong side of the bed... i shall not eleborate thought besides that she looked menacing... adding a reason to my list of reasons to do my home work... for good or bad? guess i will have to stay alive to find out.

And an early Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Quoted a little but can't remember from where. i m gonna end here. Short this post is as i feel nothign much today. So till next time, rerember to keep smiling even when life sucks, cause it does. :)

Paranoid or tired?

Life been okay so far. Just trying to get int othe mood to do my holiday homework. Started already but still too slow... looks like i gonna have to do at the fastest speed i can. Force myself to see my maths teacher face for "motivation"... but oh well, life still goes on... house work is still done by me... my mp3 player just broke down...

Porbably the only thing good about this week is that the chalet incident have been settled, i hope... according to Nat, he has settled it with Lilin. I can only wonder if it is the truth. After all, i m very paranoid... very very paranoid... or is my school work getting to me? I will just have to wait and see...

Finally ther are tags on the tag board. Guess they are only asking me to link them so they can be more popular with their blogs... If you are reading this, I am honestly just kidding. I can link anybody who i know, as long as their blog doesn't have any offensive material and they ask me nicely.

I just finished building an Gundam model for my little brother. I wonder why he would even get something he can't build himself... guess it is always up to me to do it then... but ain't that what big brother are supposed to do? i enjoy building model kits anyway...

That's all for today. Till the next time you read this (If anyone ever does) , remember to tag on the tag board and never become too paranoid, unlike me...

All I Know...

This time I am going to say all I know about what happened at the chalet. It may sound the same from the one Nathaniel had on his blog but I did not copy and paste. This is my recollection of that event that Thursday night.

A few of us went to the arcade after the BBQ. To name some(or maybe all) Nat, Wei jin, Yong Kang, Minda, Yi Ming, Swee Hao and me. Swee hao and yi ming ran off half way to LAN(CS, Warcraft 3). We played till around 10pm when we decided to head back. On our way back, minda got a call from Melvin saying that there is an emergency and head back quickly. On our way back, we met some teachers. We asked them to come over if they got the time. When we got back, some of them were already back discussing about the situation. We found out that four of the girls(Lilin, Lina, Sam Lim and Nurul) were in the other room with four other guys we just met the previous day. The guys brought alcoholic drinks for them the previous day. This time there was no difference.

Somehow the sound of 4 guys with 4 girls in a room with alcohol and cigarettes didn’t sound good. And from the way one of them invited Nat over, it was worrying. Those of us in the other room then started to brainstorm for ideas on how to deal with the situation. Guess Melvin was chose to let it be, but other than him, everyone else was scared. Scared of the possibilities. All that could happen or was waiting to happen flashed before me.(sounds dramatic but that was how I felt) when Jeanie and Melvin and Minda had to go, we decided to do something, we can’t just sit there and worry all day.(night I suppose by then)

Nat decided to call the security while I went to get the teacher we met earlier. Guess life is tough, as the teachers only came slightly earlier than the security. The teachers confronted the girls but they kept saying there wasn’t any guy in the room. One of the teachers then saw the guys hiding in the balcony. And thus the cat was out of the bag. Guess we guys had to act as if we do not know about a thing when the teachers were lecturing the 4 girls.

Sure they know that it was us now, but do they know how we felt? About you girls being in there with alcohol and guys? Sure you can say you are not drunk, but the experience with Weijin the previous day taught me not to take too much chances. You never know when lady luck starts to favor someone else over you. The teachers actually said to the security that they will take of the situation and asked them to go. However, security were called back again to escort the guys out of the room. The girls were sent home by the request of the teachers. Parents were called down to pick them up. And that’s how it ended. Our form teacher wanted to drop by for a while later, but he decided not to. I wonder why.

If the girls read this entry, I am sure they will be unhappy with me. But can I let Nat take everything? What’s done is a combine effort. And I still feel I did the right thing. If anybody got a problem with it can look for me. This is just what I saw and did. Any other views didn’t affect this entry. You can look for any of the people mention blogs by visiting my other friend blogs. If you find me accused of doing something, you know what I did. And I came away clean.

Now that’s a load off my shoulders. And this is probably one of my longest entries. But who cares? Let’s see if anyone is reading this anyway. If any one read this entry, please tag. I don’t care if you want to curse me or what ever after reading this entry. Just tag. You can proceed to read the next section, with is just my feeling about the past few days and my personal experiences.

Now a day, it just seems like God is playing with my heart. Played truth and dare at the class chalet. I may never dare so truth was always my choice. And what questions do they ask? “Who do u like?” “do you still like. …” I an sick of this kind of question!! I am going to ignore how I feel for some people for the moment. Why? BECAUSE I AM AN INMATURED IDIOT!!!! DO YOU PEOPLE GET IT?!?!?!? Now, where was I? Oh, and I keep seeing people that looks like my primary school crush. They look like here but is not her, as their height is totally different.(No offence here) Every time I see her, I get the infatuation feeling, which is my heart start beating extra fast and I get tongue tied. Guess at least I know it is a crush. But God keep letting me see people like her. Guess I saw at least three people like her already… and they are not her. They look the same but are different. Either height wise(no offence), attitude wise(also no offence) or whatever wise(no offence okay?) And one of these look-alikes is in my school. Only thing is that she is younger. Damn dumb that every time I see a look-alike and get pumped up and tongue-tied for nothing. Guess God can be cruel at times but I hope this is for a good purpose.

A friend of mine just got a girlfriend. Not that I m jealous or anything and wanted to write about it. When I said I don’t think I am not ready, he just said I was missing out on something. I only replied that I hope I wasn’t missing out on anything bad. Guess he didn’t hear me as he continued taking about how he is planning to give her a bunch of Burger King Voucher for her birthday… and I guess we became to busy arguing over if it was a good thing to give a girl voucher. I was of course on the side that said it was totally wrong. But never mind. Like I said, I won’t have a girlfriend at the moment. And even I was interested in someone, I will choose to let the feeling to die down. It is painful but the pain will go away, I hope…

Now, this really is the longest entry I have written. My fingers now hurt. Time to end this and start my homework. And I am sorry I didn’t end the previous entry my usual way as I was thinking over about what happened at the chalet. So that all for today. Till next time, stand up for what you think is right, cause no one else can change you’re your thinking besides yourself.

Lost?Confused?What am i doing?

Just back from class chalet today... n now i start using the three dots again... had fun, even thought there were time of frustration(i will nver rent bikes from that stall again)... i juz hope everything ended up alright... i want to type about it, but not now... may be later whne everything is settled... just remember if u u looking for someone to blame, it is me... not that i did anything wrong but, u can blame me, i should be able to take it... some people r hurt to a exptent that hurtin them seems to be nothing...

Looks like i m back to my depressing self for a while... need some time to think over some stuff... not i admitting to anything thought... could probably come up with a poem or something like that now but maybe i will share one i wrote today... No title yet thought...

Feeling lost and alone
Even thought i am not
Alone in the corner
No one seems to care
I could disappear for all they know
And no one will realise it

Working in the shadow
Behind everyone's back
Little take notice
Fewer know what am i doing
Left hungry and alone
No one will ever know or care

Closer to the edge than anyone will ever know
Or ever find out
A few more steps
Could mean the end for me
Worst of not knowing
How many more to the edge

Why not back off?
Made the choice to stay
Why not run away?
Running away won't solve them
And thay will always be burden
Mine to mine to bear alone

Mid Air

The title today is... different... i picked this title as i m going to write about anything, picking up subjets from the middle of no where, or out of the air.

First thing, couples... everytime i see one in the streets, i wanna hide away. I don't know why, but i just probably feel sad that i may never be like that, so it's best for me to hide away and not see it instead of staring blankly into them... the last time i stared blankly, i knocked into a signpost... but anyway, it just seems to be a fact for me at the moment, so why not accecpt it ans just move on?

Now... What's next? I got no private life... nothing mich interesting happened recently... and if u wanna hear how badly i sung, you can go to Nat's blog to check it out... am i scared of being critisized? no... I got nothin to lose here anyway...

Next week is the class chalet!!! YAE!!!! Tomorrow meeting some friends from outward bound school. We haven't seen each other for a few months... hope thay recognise me with my new hair cut... hehehe...

That all for today folks... So till next time, keep the smile on your face and i will try to keep one on mine... and i only said i will try...

...WOW...

Went to my friend's house again today, and got a major whooping in a card game, thanks to my new deck... must improve it some how... I got whipped faster than whip cream... have to think of a new deck...

Yesterday, Nat came over to my house to do a recording of a song i have written... my must admit i did horridly... oh well, what have i got to lose anyway? All i know is that i need to imporve... but how? I shall leave this to Nat to settle...

This post is short... nothing much happened today... And to end the post like always, remember never to give up hope and ignore that criticism that you think is useless in helping you become a better person.

Nothing Much

Nothing much happened today. Just went to my friend's house to play some cards and had fun. Other than that, nothing else much happened... besides me winnin them... and thats means its time for me to change deck...

A friend of mine, Nat(or Kian in the tagboard), said i my posts looks less "whatever i don't remember" but i roughly translated it as depressing... and when he reads this he wil come after my neck for not remembering and start explaing to me the meaning of the "whatever i don't remember" word... but until then, i can till keep saying the "whatever i don't remember" word is the "whatever i don't remember" word... hehehe...

Is this the first time i just laugh in my blog? Must remember this day then... Lame? Then find some other blog to read then!

If that didn't deter you, than till next time, keep that smile on your face or... or... or i will... whatever....

Pissed?

Now i not quite sure how i feel... should have written this post yesterday... just came home too late due to some school event i m helping out at... yesterday i was a cameraman, but got scolded for not getting the camera from the teacher in charge but from the IT assitants of the school... before that, i n another guy was scolded for doing a small mistake by the executive commitee... come on, we had to finish the work fast, or how could we have helped the other sections in their work then? Where were u when we were sloggin our guts out? did u see us or were u also too bz with something else? I m just happy i didn't typed this yesterday or this cold have all ended up in caps...

When i was first in the student council, my batch first task was to perform the a drama n dance for the farewell party for our seniors. when it was at the end when we were wishing each other all the best, mmany cried. I wondered if the same would happen to me one day... i guess it happened yesterday... i admit i cried, not intensely but enough tears came out of the eyes for it to be considered as crying... i wanted to give up staying in the council, but i ended being slightly motivated by my seniors to push on... guess when one wants to give up, something will come and cheer him/her on...

Today, went to my friend's house to play cards... THE NEW DECK WAS A SUCCESS!!!! Guess i got to look for more people to test it out with... guess can't wait to trash more people... hehehe...

That's all the things i probaly have for today... i could complain more bout my mom now but... nevermind... So till next time, keep on going still the end...

Time to start the grumbling or what ever this is...

I am back from the amazing busy weekend... this sturday i wasn't really busy... but yesterday, sunday, was... had a petanque competition in the morning where i was totally trashed... come on, i have only trained for 1 week... that was at least enough to delay only the inevitable thought...

I spent the rest of the day geting a present for an old friend of mine... spent an hour going back to causeway point n back just to get something from there which i realised i lost that afternoon... wonder if i should have told her that? Oh well, maybe i will tell her later... but other than that, i just passed her her present and just exchanged greetings... she found out a little bout me but i guess i was just too tongue tied to ctually talk... why was i so dumb? Guess i have to find some time to undo this mistake of mine...

Thats tall the babbling i have for today... just hope i will become more socialable... so till next time, be alert and notice the chances around u... n i just remember, the poem like thingey from a few entries back? A friend of mine is thinking of turning it into a song...

Sick and tired...

The sick is pratically sick... so sick of doing something but really sick... it in my genes that if i do not get enough rest i get this flu like thing... this seems to be the longest time it lasted... 2 days... that's where i get the tired part from... n why m tired? That is as the past days i have been in school from 6.30am to around 3pm++ to 4pm++... some times 5pm++... i desperately need sleep... but only i complete this entry as, this just seems be have become an habit... old habits die hard...

It is the holidays n i m still sloggin my guts out in school n home... life can of course get worser, contary to popular belief again... i feel very tired today, so i shall end this early to leave u with less to bear with... n till next time, remember rest is the most important for your bady... do not skip rest times unless absolutely necessary...

Speechless...

See what i came up with yesterday that probably made me feel better...

Why should I come back to
What I have been running from?
Why should I come back to?
What I have noting to gain?

Left me the darkness,
Leaving me to fend alone…
Left me by the riverside,
Adding my tears to the flow…

I have no reason to come back,
To what was never mine…
Never a reason to come back,
To find what was never there…

Never had a reason to hope,
Just a reason to go…
Looking for what was never there,
Searching for naught…

All the effort lost,
No appreciation received…
Revealed the truth,
Became the biggest fool…

Sleepless night after night,
But you never knew…
Used the hurt outside,
To numb the hurt inside…

I took a dive,
Into the deep end…
I gave away my heart,
Never to have it returned…

Is this a lesson?
I asked myself…
What did I learn?
I’ll never know…

Why should I return
To what I was…
When I can choose
To be what I am?

Why should I come back
To what I am not?
Why should I come back
When I can be who I am?

I have found out who the mysterious messanger is today... m i going to take revenge? no... i m not so bad n hope i will never be... n i hope i will never end up that kind of person... i have made my choice n will stick to it... i have made my own bed n thus i will sleep on it myself...

The truth finally helped clear the fog in front of me... felt better man... everything just fell into place after i found out... HA, i feel so much better man... n ignorance seems very powerful after all...

Thinking...

Life has been an roller coaster ride for me so far... it has it up n downs all the times... seems to be more downs so fay thought... my roller coaster must be built on a slope... lets hope it goes up one day...

I never found out who the mysterious messanger to me was, even thought we had an interesting text conversation yerterday... the person just refused to tell me who he/she is, even thought i suspect it is a she... anyway, all the suspects have been questions n neither admitted to it... even the main suspect... wonder if this is a plot to shake me up like my father says... oh well, the person don't seem to be talking to me again... but it was interesting advice he/she gave... grap the chance when u have the chance... but i find there no problem with people more capable taking it up instead of me... conflicting mindsets... caused me a minor burnt with the iron n probably 1 to 2 sleepless nights... but is is over? Not until i think throughly bout the advice...

My knee feels like crap today... want to run around n play basketball, but with this... what m i to do? finding another way to destress is not easy man... hope i get some slack cut this up coming months...

I just feel conflicted and lost at the moment... hope up coming is an answer to my questions or just a minor distraction to keep me focused... school work is piling up by the minute even thought it is the school holidays(or it seems to be without me touching it...) . I m just abit lost n just hope God will send someone to tell me what is teh right thing to do...

I totally hate prank calls, messages and anything else that doesn't tell me whereit is from... Like what my social studies teacher, Miss Zavier, always says, "Is the source reliable?" which is not as i do not know the source!!! If the person who refuses to admit who on earth he or she is to me and sent me those funny messages is reading this, i m going to find out WHO U R.... how would I? who knows what i will do...

I remember getting a prank call from someone in the past... i found out who it was... at least it was someone i know... could have been worst... i won't tell u how for the risk "the person who refuses to admit who on earth he or she is to me and sent me those funny messages" is reading this, which whom i m suspecting will, as i think the person know who i m... no, i m very sure this person know who i m... oh well, only time will tell...

Man, i must learn to stop typing the "..." ... and i just did it again... and again... Ok... I will stop. Finally... not. The dots just seems depressing... must try out a new style... And whoever u r that keeps keeping me in suspence, will u PLEASE stop it? For the sake of the "PLEASE" in the previous sentence...

Petanque!

The title is pronouced as pay-tong... a french name... a sport it is... just learned how to play it today... it is just throwing a metal ball as close as possible to another small ball... seems quite fun to me now as i havn't touch a basketball for who know how long as my knee can't take too much strain... it hurts if i walk too much too...

Everyday i come back n hear my mom complaining... thinking of giving up hope of her changing... just have to keep on praying iguess... hope God answers it soon...

It's getting very tiring for me to ignore my heart calling out even when i know it is wrong... have to keep my feeling in control while concentrating on my studies... after my my O levels next year i will be FREE... but up to then, studies all the way then... even if i have to crawl my way out of tight situations... i will have to remember that studies are the most important now...

So until my entry, don't worry, be happy... everything will definately work out...

Classes during holidays?!?!?!

I hate holiday classes.... i m not the kind of person mentioned in by my social studies teacher... the kind the teenagers that the shops beg the schools to give extra homework and classes to to keep them off the streets... y m i getting fed up over this anyway? BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO HAVE IS FUN!!!! IS THAT A CRIME?!?!?! Y CAN'T U JUST GIVE US THE SPACE THEN?!?!

That enough shouting for today... holiday classes today wasn't so bad... 2mrw going to face maths teacher... oh well... what have i do be afraid of anyway? (besides she can call my parents n get them to scold the socks off me if i was wearing a pair?)

Gotta keep this smile on my face man... and it is proving more n more difficult to do so... i have given up hope on nathaniel ng from today onwards... at the rate he is purposly ignoring me, we probably will only end up friends again in heaven...(abit extreme comparision but... u know...)

That's all for today... let's hope my mom will start to change her attitude... provided she will admitt that she was ever wrong in the first place...

Need some one to Talk to...

Man, are the holidays boring... probably today is the most interesting of the whole week. I went back to my primary school to promote my secondary school... and i had to start reharesing my speech eary in teh morning at 7 in school... but the teacher came at 7.03... n only practice for a while... than suddenly say she got meeting then leave me in school to practice for 1 whole hour... wah lao...

When i was delivering my speech thingey, i had to mention my p6 teachers name... after mentioning her name, i paused for a moment... suddenly the students start clapping... very embarressing... at least i finshed what i was supposed to do... n 1 more thing, my p6 teacher was there too... so one can guess probably how i m feeling...

Is is ok if i complain about my mom on this blog? Only my friends know who i m n very very little of them know who my mom is... so it still seems ok...

Come on mom, dad just back from the hopital... stop pushing him around... try to understand that all he can do now is rest... n stop complaining... u r making everybody moody...

That all the nonsense i have for today... i got no one to talk to thus the title... n the entry being the longest i have so have so far... i think...

Back Again...

I m back from a tiring day... remember the earlier pic on my knee? It looked the same today... y? becaused it hurt alot yesterday... even when i was doing nothing... at least it felt better now...

My dad back from the hospital. N due to his condition, the whole family had a diet change... my bro can't seem to get used to it though... he hates his greens n almost anything that is black... choosey huh? n he called me choosey... he should probably learn to leave people alone too... if he want other people to leave him alone... same applies for respect... i m just happy i m no genocidical madman or many around will be dead already...

The link to Nathaniel's blog at the corner is down... do not know why as he has been recently cuting contact with me... don't want to hurt me he says... but how can u hurt someone who is already hurt... and not yet fully recovered? have to try to knock some sense into him one of these days...

Lost

Funny title i have here... nothing to do with any hit TV series...

My father was wared int othe hospital yesterday... juz had operation... visting him tomorrow... funny thing is that i m still going on my life as normal... i juz feel... heartless... but m i? i don't think so... it juz that recently that i learned that smiling is one of the best medicines around too... but now the smile seems fake... as fake as a few months ago when i didn't believe in smiling or laughing... at least my mom have started to cool down abit... unlike in the last post... but my bro is acting like a idiot now... Who he think he is? i won't allow him to push me around here...

Got back my results today... not very bad or too good... 5th in class and 8th in level... not bad? But i can't help thinking wat m i compared to people from other schools... my school is not actually the best in Singapore... juz hope wat i can do in enough....

Looks like i m going to end this entry with a low moral... but u out there reading this, never takes things for granted, do not make the same mistake as my bro or mom...

FED UP

Just came back from camp today... tired like crap but still did the basic house work of keeping the clothing... n when my mom came back, she scolded me... for wat u will ask. just for asking her to get a little extra food back for me... pointless scolding if u ask me...

she gets fed up over the little things... WHO SHE THINK SHE IS?!!?! WHATS WRONG TWITH MY BROTHER UNDER PERFORMING?!?!!? U WERE THE ONE THAT SCOLED HIM ALMOST EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!! U WERE THE ONE THAT COMPLAINED N CHOSE TO GO AGAINST ALL OTHER METHODS OF GETTING HIM TO WORK!!!!!! U WERE THE ONE THAT STRESS HIM OUT WHEN SHE KEPT MUMBLING OUT LOUD ABOUT HIM!!!!!! U WERE THE ONE THAT STRESSED THE WHOLE FAMILY OUT N WAS UNWILLING TO ADMIT IT EVEN WHEN WE TOLD U OFF NICLY OR RUDELY!!!!!!! U WERE THE ONE WHO CHOSE NOT TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS EVEN THOUGHT WE ASK U NICELY TO!!!!!! WHAT ELSE U EXPECT ME TO DO WITH MY BRO IF U KEEP INTERRUPTING ME!!!!!!!! AND SOMETIMES I FEEL ASHAMED WHEN I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT U AS THER IS NOTHING MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!!!! U call urself my mom.... but think about it... do u think i handled my things in school well as a councillor n thus can handle my bro? Like thay say, it starts at home... n it never started... n so what makes u think i handled the things at school sucessfully?

I go for my school camps mainly to get energised metally... but always get drained at home... U chose not to improve n thus i have decided to leave u behind... u can't even lead by example... thinking ur respondsibility is only to feed us... never understanding us... continue feeding us, but u have just been left behind...

Bandaged Knee

This is what my knee looked like last saturday after a vist to a chinese sensei in Chinatown...
the chinese sensei did a good job but i think i undid it at the camp...

Next Week's Rush...

Next week i will be off to camp... up to Wednesday... then back to school to do finish all the videos n pictures for the student council with some one else... How r 2 people to do this kind of thing? Guess we will find out next week, after a tiring camp...

Had a funny day today... i went to where people play card games only that i purposely didn't bring anything to play against them with... then why was i there anyway? just went there to learn any new playing styles... learned a few interesting ones... at least the people getting trashed r not me...

That's all i got today... i probably went this place as my friend didn't confirm if an outing was taking place... n got bored n decided to go there... my advice of the is thus... do not even read this section... it is noncense most of the time...

There’s Always A First Time…

First time for what today? Well, today is the first time I went to K-box(karaoke thingy)… always knew I suck at singing but this time I went because I bumped into some of my friend this morning… strange but interesting… all I knew was that I was very free today and had nothing better to do so I decided to join them… like I said, I still sang extremely horrible… to me I supposed… I never could match those high notes anyway… but a good start in singing anyway… (Singapore Idol her I come…) Probably my friends got a head start…

One more thing for readers of this blog. When u enter this blog, I hope u leave all tour unhappiness behind as only me is allowed to be depressed here. ( Selfish huh?) So until my next entry, do not wipe the simile off your face unless necessary… wasn’t necessary today anyway… so that means I also have to start listening to my own advice some times…

My Pic!!

Man do i look ugly...

The Finale...

WOW... just finished my last exam paper today... chemistry never easy... especially when ur teacher set it... n she is the head of department for science... How can multiple choice questions be so hard even with 4 choices?!?!?!?! Oh well... at least i finished the paper...

Guess i m feeling childish today... but i got trashed at yugioh today...(a card game really...)... I got terashed so may times that i... nevermind. When i got home, i took apart my whole deck n decided to sell some of the stuff.... was getting kinda bored with it any way, time for a change.... I m still going to play, just MIA for the moment....

That's probably all i got from today... A word of advice though, never start playing games i m playing... u will go broke over it...n i ain't implying anything....

HOW ON EARTH?!?!?!?!

Man, how on earth did my teacher found out so much about my family in one go? I don’t talk about family in school…I find it strange when she told me my sis n bro names…FOUND OUT FROM A TEACHER FROM MY PRIMARY SCHOOL?!?!?! Man…my bro must be controversial at my primary school…I was noting there…N NOW HE CAUSE MY TEACHER 2 FINDOUT ABOUT ME?!?!?! Man…all those years of keeping quiet hasn’t done much at all I see…my teacher now knows my mom kills us with a lot of pressure…what I like to do…what I don’t like to do…HELP ME HERE!!!! Oh well…he is going have to face me soon anyway… ;-)

From last week onwards, I have decided to ignore my feelings for a well…they mostly get me mixed up…so for the better or the worst, I won’t know until I try… Why am I doing this? I m a troubled kid…emotions just shake me up even more…this is not permanent…it is just until I learn how to control them…n prevent it from getting me into further trouble…

That’s all from me today…And the phrase of the day is “listen to your mind n not your heart”…Contrary to the famous phrase “listen to your heart”…It only leads to certain…embarrassment… Follow the phrase or learn it the hard way, it is up to U…

Blank

I m totally blank right now… what m I supposed to type about anyway? I m losing steam here… what ever happens now will not be interesting to me… unless something drastic happens, like if mom suddenly become a totally new person or someone close to me is suddenly gone…(but I doubt if the second ever apply to me… I m not close to any one actually…)

The fire going off soon… I need to look for a new source of passion here… a new source of will to write and maintain (what is there to maintain anyway?) this blog... I always wanted to improve this blog but couldn’t find the strength or will power to do it…(excuses, excuses, excuses…) if only this… if only that…oh well… guess I m getting a bit troublesome…wonder if my mom was listening during that parents talk yesterday… if she was, I would probably see a change… if I don’t see a change, the same she will be…

That all for today… so still next time, try not to be such a negative and lame person like me…

Dreams

Started of like visions …

Never knowing the reasons…

Seeing this people…

Again n again…

Guess I will never know…

Why I have these dreams…

Nightmare or otherwise…

What seems good here…

Ain’t the same there…

What’s happy here…

Is frightening there…

No one else knows…

What it’s like…

Having these strange dreams…

Night after night…

Shush…

Now I won’t say that no one cares for me… just because they are the minority… (that seems to rhythm) I m trying out typin my bog first in Microsoft word then coping it over… i m just not happy with what happened last time when the internet connection was unstable n lost half an entry…

Alright, iknow some people care for me… my dad… my mom (to a certain extent)… SOME of my friends… that “some” word was highlighted purposely… let’s see if anyone respone to it (he he)… it just that one of my friend offer to share her food with me last Wednesday really touched me… I was just complaining away about not eating recess n lunch when she offered to let me eat her food her father brought for her… touched I was…I didn’t accept he food as I will feel too guilty anyway…

Man… now I have to be careful what I write( or type) here… Just because of some people in Singapore started using their blogs to insult teachers or for racism… Hope I don’t end up punished like them… I didn’t type any thing wrong, did i? I will probably find out when i get any feedback from the authorities… which seems unlikely…

Guess I m stuck to ending my blog like this… so till next time u read anything here... remember to not allow any one to stop u from accomplishing ur goal… unless it is an evil one…

Understanding?

Do parents really understand everything? do thay know what we teens want?
I doubtr they do... all the more if they say they do.... accusing me of not doing my work? i m catching up with my work here man... i just came back from a camp n got more catching up to do then u will ever know..... but who cares?

I think i have gotten so used to insults that i have become numb... but who knows? i feel like crap most of the time... but who knows? My parents don't... but do thay read this blog? My dad maybe but my mom? no way... she probably too bz.... even for her own kids...

Man... I lost the other half of this blog thanks to some lousy error? wher m i to get my expressions from after i have used them all up? i will probably stp here as i want to turn in early due to a flu... if my tireness beats my insomia...(Is that how it's spelt?)....

Back To Business...

I m back from my outward bound camp...

Was it fun? I enjoyed it alot.... Now i miss it.... Who would miss me if i was at camp anyway? it was more fun there n i felt better treated there also... But good things never last long... have to get back to life... the way things was... except knowing u can now face it with renewed strength.

The camp just taught me to look at things from a different perspective... I MUST GO ON TO THE END!!!!

no matter how hard a time i m having, i must keep on enduring... how? well... by just enduring.... What else can say? ( n who bothers to read this blog anyway?)

Well... that probably all i got for today... So till next time.... ( u know wat i m about to say rite so i shall spare u the agony)...

It was an intersting boring week...

Can i use both interesting and boring this way? It still semms to make sense any way so where shall i begin from? i spent most of the week at home. That was the boring part. The interesting part was probably the same thing...

This few days have been just mainly going to school and sleeping at home... parents didn't allow me out much... thanks to that oral exam on wednesday...."U will be too tired..." thingy.... But how m i to study for oral? I just talk and talk n talk.... N i don't want to end up like my mother too.... thanks to this, i missed watching that movie with my friends....

Interesting thinsg was probably i visited my primary school with parents, not because of me but because of my little brother... He got 6 stitches on this pinky due to some incident in school... my mom went there to complain to the principal.... wanted the whole family to follow along to support her.... HOW ON EARTH R WE 2 DO THAT? U just made me go back to school so u could complain? My primay school teacher was so surprised that i was the brother of the kid that got the stitches on his finger...

That all for this week... can i say any thing more? i don't hink so... wish i could though.... how m i to do that? Hope time will tell.....

Interesting Stuff, Even If It is An Insult....

Everything around me seems interesting.... i m not included...

Just look around, the world is full of things, positive or negative, interesting in their own way...
just for example, a comment i got today " Kelvin, u 'cool' factor is 10 times of that of Wei Jin. N Wei Jin has a 'cool' factor that is negative..." For those who don't know negative numbers, lets just say it get more negative when multiplyed by a positive number. Insulting it was, but i just can't help laughing over it...

Amazingly, i discovered that i cannot work well with someone that is too good with emotions. IT just distracts me too much. this kind of people like attention n i can't help giving them attention no matter how hard i try to ignore it.... This was just discovered 2 days ago anyway... Kinda new for me...

I keep wondering how people manage to write such long posts for their blogs... how can i keep up with them? How can i compare to them? How i can i be as good or better than them? Hope this come with time.... So till next time....

Where is the consistancy?

I seem to have problems accepting the things around me lately... How would i know why any way? It just seems that nothing is consistant around me... i like consistancy, but only to a certain extent... the only thing consistant so far is that nothing is consistant... but that ain't consistant... What on Earth m i talking(or typing) any way?

So far, nothing has been consistant, n i don't think any thing will be... what i m lookin for is something, or even some one, that is consistant... but ther is nothing on earth that fit this calibre... N this is gettin irritating... the only thing i can find consistant is not of this world any way...( i m a bit religious, sorry) Friends come n go... things received n gone... nothing stays the same forever... what can i say anyway? i always come here to convince myself about some thing... this is probably the only way i make myself feel better anyway...

That all the rumblings i have today... So till next time... try not to give in.... or give up... or what ever...

My Blog Is Depressing?

Recently, one of my friend says my blog is depressing... wat is wrong with that? probably because he is too happy n can't stand a little sadness? he is probably too positive.......

Depress is wat i m... If u see me smile it probably just a mask... rarely do i truly smile or show how i feel inside.... i don't really like people to help me solve my problems, well, i don't think thay can actually solve it as only i can solve it. Why? Cause it always ends up with me doin all the work to solve it any way...

Laughter is the best medicines? Laughter sure can solve alot of problems but it can't solve all... cause laughin away ur troubles is too good to be true... If Laughin works, my blog will probably be not so depressing anyway... but then wat will be written here instead? Some things r just left to be pondered on...

Life will always be unfair...

Life is unfair? It always has been... from before u were borned to today... think ushould have won that competition instead of that idiot next door? Well... this happens everyday... some just gets more, others lesser... Ain't this already unfair? Look around... u r sure to spot somthing that will bring u a memory of being treated unfairly...

Saw that girl? u think she is cute but u r too shy to talk to her... but when u find the courage to talk to her, u find out she wasn't what u thought her to be... not that i got this kind of experience but i just happen to think alot... (thanks to tv serial dramas...) then u realise life ain't fair... but when has it been fair? Life will always stay unfair...

SO wat m trying to do her today? Well... i m trying to convince myself(n maybe u) to get over it... wat ever life have thrown at u... Oh well... who actually reads these mindless mumblings anyway?

M i happy i m not suicidal...

If i was suicidal, iwould not be writing this blog now n gave up on life a long time ago... but many would say life already depressing, but some, like i, have the extra load on our backs to handle. who else could do this jobs like us anyway?

Singapore's national day was yesterday... Full of fireworks etc.... but life still goes on for me... first borns in the families carries the heaviest responsibility... i m totally not very good with my studies, mainly chinese... the teacher assume too much... thinks that i didn't study?!?!?! Man, m i pissed off... wats wrong with not being good at hte subject, huh?

It was interesting spending the day at alone on 8th... i was offered a chance to go for a movie with some people but i rejected after much consideration... probably due to the name calling of me(apple plisher?).... i m just goin to blow soon over it... keeping it all insde hurts... but who knows?

Oh well... that is probably all for today... so up till next time... keep livin

If life gives u crap... What can i do?

Life have really bad the past few days... teachers scoldin my class for being late... people not realising they were wrong in the first place... lousey test marks.... Just makes me think if life is worth living....

I wish i could just end my life here n just llike that... the temptation is huge... probably the only thing keeping me here is god(excuse me for being a bit religious but who really reads this blog anyway?)... I m probably just tryin to take each day as it comes... what else cani do anyway?

Some people out there probably don't realise other people have feelings too... Man, i also have a limit to how much i can take... no matter wat the post i have... insults r very hurtin to me... i m sensitive... only problem is i don't show much emotion or talk much about my problems... i don't want anyone else sharing my burden... some things i have to face alone...

That's all for today... so if like gives u crap, bear with it first... i sure it won't last forever...

I seem to have wat they call "writer's block".....

I seem to currently suffering from not knowin wat to type here...
My life seems boring... i think i m tryin to copy my friend's style...

SO WAT IS MY STYLE?!??!?!?!!?

It seems that my style seems to be non-existance...too me that is...
Can i undo the "block" By hitin my head against the walll? Been there, tried that...ended up with a massive headache anyway...

Life seems to be bad to me in every way...(I m trying not to use any 4-letter words that may sound offensive) People push u around for just being the good kid... n wats more, when u go offensive, they start regreating their earlier move... only to do agasin n again... senerios repeat again n again...

If i was the kind of person that wasn't forgiving... many would have ended up in their graves already any way... God probably put these people around me cause no one else can handle them any way... this simple thought probably keeps me going...

wow... how did i ended up with nt just a paragraph but a passsage? Oh well... this things usually comes suddenly at thimes... who knew i could do this?

Apple Polisher, i m?

Recently i m been called an apple polisher. Didn't noe wat it meant until today.
M i really that kind of person? It's up to u to decide.
To me, i m that kind who can't really stand disrespect. So when the teacher is being ran over, i try to heip buts look like i have been considered a different factor from the class.
I m still part of the class but i can't stop thinking if the class will be a better or worst place without me.
Without me, the class with probably be out of control onli realising somethings wrong when it is a little too out of hand... No one else really seems to do anything about it so i usually have to step in.
Y must i always be the one?
Because someone got to do it n god probably put in this place for this job.
But how can i be sure of this?
I m not very sure but it just seems rite to me at the moment.

There wher i m leavin u now, with a pic of wat happen yesterday durin racial harmony day at my school.

Overstep the line? Then face my fury...

Well, someone went over the line today. Too far in my case.
Did i do anything wrong to u huh?
U choose to disobey someone of higher authority? Well, u chose the wrong person.
Did u think that flying bottle would frighten me away?
U r gonna have 2 do something better then that.
U think u can step over my head? Think again.
The teachers can't stop u? We shall see very soon man.... VERY soon...
U ain't gonna get the best of me any day soon...
U ain't gonna beat me u noe...
I proved it by ignorin u...
Showin u r still the same as before but i ain't givin in to u so easily.

( This post was to release anger. Sorry for any inconvience caused.)

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on u...

interesting title i came up with... juz come with my recent expereince of being fooled...
let's see... y did i came up with a title that contridicts with what everybody knows "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me " It's no typo error or what-so-ever

let me start with explaining the first part... "fool me once, shame on me"
many have tried but failed to fool me, but if u managed, then of course "shame one me"

second part... "fool me twice, shame on u"
If u managed to fool me twice, u r probably using the same trick... very shameful to think as u can't think of anything new. N u r probably also very dispicable to actually fool me twice... alot more shameful to me...

all of a sudden, this seems like crap, but this a blog...
MY BLOG....
so bear with my mumblings...
so until next time.... Adios

Back Again... Or Never Gone?

It has been a bz day for me. Runnin up n down in school...
Maths Teacher chasing for correction... U should get he idea.
Need a break but homework is killing me...
Last minute work most of them r anyway...
Just hope i can finish them in time...

First Time Here

First time typing here... A bit tense... WAT TO WRITE(or type in this case)???? M I gettin frustrated over nothing? Seems to be the case...

Oh well... Probably next time got something better to write....