The Holes We Dig

Guess i don't blog as frequent as i used to, been busy with the same old thing anyway... Hopefully after Japan will be more free to do other stuffs... Like vising my usual hangout, facebook-ing like there is no tomorrow, playing basketball ot my heart's content, and the most important of all, having enough sleep.... zzzzz...

During yesterday's breakfast, an interesting topic was touched on. Never expected it to appear in actually come up at such a time. Was having breakfast/lunch/brunch with friends at this Nepalese Restaurant, when someone joined us for a while. We were just discussing about changing the method of spreading messages from emails to me messaging everybody the news, when this person asked why am i able to spare so much messages. I just happen to not message much, and the most i ever used was 300-400+, always falling less than limit offered by the plan. She then said i should have girlfriend or something. And i just said i used the most when i had one.

Then the guy beside me questioned if it was cause we called a lot more, and i think i kind of said yes. He said such an understanding person this girl was. And i added on that we kind of see each other almost everyday, so kind of saved on the bills too. I should have saw the next question coming, but i didn't. And what question was that? "What happened?" Er...

I didn't answer that question. Cause i didn't knew how to.

I really should start on a shopping list for Japan soon, Don't want to miss out anything along the way. Still don't really get the Hello Kitty craze. Isn't it over?? =x

Last Sunday at a relative house, i suddenly realise how many relatives i have to buy back stuffs for. A small token will do, but the sheer amount made me realise i probably will come back with 1 more back then i went there with. Hopefully i make it through customs then...

Man... What's up with Singtel Mio internet anyway?? It screws up my hotmail, and i can only read it in school now... I guess screwing up some web pages aren't enough, it now screws with emails too... Ought to complain sometime soon...

Ah... Hopefully will be able troubleshoot the problem with my program tomorrow... Driving me crazy already. Looks like have to consult the supervisor... Please don't let him be occupied by the other group for the whole day... T.T

It's late. Better get to bed before i end up half dead in school tomorrow... See yah!!

Getting kinda dusty here,,,

What do people look forward to here anyway?? Some people have been asking me to update my blog. I'm tempted to just end here since it's actually considered an update, but i shall not be that bad. =x

I've just been busy. Busy with school project which have to be done before 4 weeks from now. Before i fly to Japan for competition for my project. Before i die from the pressure i'm putting on myself to complete it as soon as possible without getting distracted by anything or anyone. Kind of makes a a horrible person sometimes, especially when i can't think of how to settle a problem in the project, so sorry if i lost my cool or shouted at anyone, just been very tired and busy... =x

Sometimes we don't know we have gone overboard until we are drowning. That's why i don't like to talk too much sometimes, cause i, like anyone, have this tendency to talk a bit too much and get carried away. Especially nowadays when my patience seems to be wearing a lot thinner lately. Ah... can only hold back for so long before i go crazy again i guess...

Just watched 500 Days of Summer yesterday. Was an interesting movie. It may look like a love story, but it's not really one, just a story of boy meets girl. Some parts made me laugh, other parts were tear jerking, just because i felt i could relate to the feeling, and maybe cause i watched it in the middle of the night all worn out from the day... =x

Wanted to watch the movie with someone, but didn't thought i could find someone to watch it with. Just felt weird going to watch a movie alone, even though i wanted to do that...

Sometimes i wonder if people actually like to discriminate against certain people, or persons. That person screwed you up or is distasteful? It just seems like you are becoming like that person. What difference is there between that person and you if both of you are just as horrible? If you like being horrible then don't care about this then.

Sometimes i look around and i desperation. People desperate for attention. People desperate for affection. And sometimes i wonder why such desperation. Sticking around the girls with hope one will be attracted, flirting with the guys to get their attention. At the end of the day you may become the center of attraction, but at what cost?

Ah... I must be tried... So much nonsense today... I guess i will sleep after slacking around a bit more... See yah!!

Feels Like 12 at 3

When it was 3pm earlier, the sun felt like the usual noon sun... Screwed up weather... =x

I'm wondering if anyone would actually mind if their boyfriend/girlfriend had another girlfriend/boyfriend besides them. It just feels like somebody will be the third party, and whoever that may be won't really seem clear.

I guess is still don't really get some people, those that go around flirting with everyone around. It just gives off the air of desperation around them. Wonder why do they do it though... Insecure? Attention-seeking? Hmm...

Regarding one of my previous post, the one about lies. If you lied, and people found out, please admit it. It's frustrating for people and kind of stupid of you to keep denying the fact that you were lying.

Saw something interesting from the last paragraph from http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2009/09/26/devotion.aspx
It’s better to believe in someone and have your heart broken than to have no heart at all. British poet Alfred Tennyson wrote, “ ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I guess that's why i'm still where i am, even after so many times people say those things had happen before. That's just me. And that's why i also don't agree with the operation proposed. It just drives wedges between people. I don't mind getting hurt i guess, as long as i'm being true to myself and who i am, and that the other party is fine. Damn i feel stupid all of a sudden... =x

Okay, i ought to have a early night tonight, going to have to come up with a new code for my robot... And maybe start on the new one too... See yah!!

1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The Wind Blows - The All American Rejects

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xepMH7-yfk

I've got to breathe
You can't take that from me
Cause it's all that you left that's mine
You had to leave
And that's all I can see
But you told me your love was blind

There are times
You're so impossible that I should sign a waiver
And you will find
Someone worth walking on when you ask me to go

I'll leave when the wind blows
Take a breath and there it goes
I'll be outside of your window
I'll pass by but I'll go slow
I'll leave when the wind blows

There was a day
You threw our love away
Then you passed it to someone new
You wanna stay
But since you wanna play
We can finally say we're through

There are times you're so impossible and you ask me to go

I'll leave when the wind blows
Take a breath and there it goes
I'll be outside of your window
I'll pass by but I'll go slow
I'll leave when the wind blows

You can scream there's just echoes
Pass outside of your window
You'll be sad that you let me go
I'll leave but just know

As I lay in solitude
Oh What's a boy supposed to do
I Shake the very thought of you
Me together, I remember
Late nights when I stayed up late
All I do is wait and wait
Your never coming home to me
That's the hardest thing to see

I got to breathe
You can't take that from me
We can finally say we're through

I'll leave when the wind blows
Take a breath and there it goes
I'll be outside of your window
I'll pass by but I'll go slow
I'll leave when the wind blows

You can scream there's just echoes
Pass outside of your window
You'll be sad that you let me go
On every face you'll ever know
And everywhere you ever go
You'll feel when the wind blows

The Lies We Live In

Realized the title could be used as a song title, but that's not the point today/tonight/early this morning anyway.

All of us lied before, be it about the smallest things or biggest things. We lied to our parents, our friends, our teachers, those around us, and ourselves.

We lied, to run away from responsibilities and consequences. We lied, so we didn't have to do much. We lied, because we are scared of what our actions will cause. We lied, for self-interest, not knowing sometimes the truth is all it takes to clear things up.

White lies. Are they necessary?

Why do we lie to others, when all that needs to be done is just to say the truth? Are we really that scared of just admitting a mistake? Hiding the truth, why does it seem to create mistrust? Is it just a natural reaction to the unknown, do not trust something when you don't know the truth? Or does the truth frighten us? The truth that might show the world who we REALLY are, exposing the lies we live in?

Why do we lie to ourselves? Is that the first step to lying to others? If we can deceive ourselves, surly we can deceive anther person? Or is it that if we keep lying to ourselves, one day we would actually really believe in it? We can say there's nothing wrong with our current situation, but why are others able to see that it's all a lie sometimes? Horrible acting or just the sub conscience need for truth?

I find myself lying to myself quite often. "I don't care", when in fact, i want to jump up and settle it right away. Is that ok, to pretend to not care, when every fiber of me wants to care? Am i actually lying to myself?

Are we lying to ourselves, when others see a situation outrageous, but ourselves don't think it is?

Am i lying to myself that i'm fine with the way things are proceeding when i would have liked it to be otherwise? That i'm holding up fine when there are times i wish i could just break down and cry?

Why do we have to hide so many things?

I guess now the problem is that are we able to handle the truth when it comes.

Hmm... Now what should i get for the birthday this Saturday?? Have something in mind already, now to start looking for it later...

Breathe - Taylor Swift ft Colbie Caillat

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.


Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.
Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn't work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

It's two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it's not easy,
Easy for me.
It's two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain't easy,
Easy for me.

And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry

Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVZaA2s7xYI

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Fireflies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr9EKJatJvA

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You think me rude, but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far to tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cuz I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)
But I know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few and I keep 'em in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause my dreams are bursting at the seams

-Owl City

So now in school alone, going to start digging into my dinner which i brought into the project room. Been a while since i blogged. Just could never really fine the mood or time to blog until now.

Finally finished most of the project design today. Submitting it in tomorrow. For now i guess it's back to studying. 3 papers... Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Hmm... concentrate on the first 2 now, then the in between period go for the last one... Simple enough plan i guess... =x

Met up with pastor last Wednesday just to talk. Older people tend to have better view on things and better advice to give, not that he's very old. =x

Talked about quite a few stuffs i guess, about my life and his life. He's wondering how his life will be affected by his soon-to-be-born baby. Kind of talked a little about how my current CG leaders. They, a couple, are quite interesting. There are times when you can see them bicker and the rest of the group will kind of start looking at each other. But this bickering doesn't talk much about their relationship. They have 3 kids, 2 which are around uni age and doing quite well. And the only conclusion that can be drawn from these kids are that the parents are loving, something that can be quite hard to see at times... =x

Man... Estate management off the air-con earlier then usual today... It's only 6:30pm...

I don't like to hide things. To have to hide usually means that it's not something that you want people to know. And usually people only only hide bad stuffs, wrong stuffs. Almost as good at lying. How would you feel if people were hiding things from you? Lying to you? Not a nice feeling.

If there's something you don't want to let me know or show me, it would be easier to just tell me to turn or go away, cause i will. I won't pester or push to know, unless you tempt me with it... =x

I guess i should be leaving this spot soon, eating alone in this room just feels very weird...

I got not much left to hide i guess. It gets tiring hiding stuffs all the time. Me not hiding anything doesn't mean i will talk about everything. And i'm sure sometimes you may get your answer from the silence.

Ah... I think i got to get out of here... Alone in Alpha Centre just feels weird... Oh well... See yah!!.

Smile - Uncle Kracker

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

One Saturday, i'm just going to "borrow" my sis' camera and just go around taking photos of anything, everything and nothing at all.

Besides the fact that home internet will finally be set up in 2 weeks and the thing about an examiner review next week, i pretty much got nothing else to blog about.
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Ok, maybe i do have stuffs to blog about, or at least stuffs i wish to blog/talk/communicate about. Just wondering how much information is too much information. Got a tendency to give away too much when i get carried away...

Ok, squeeze in as many stuffs as possible in the 15 mins before class, so i'll summarize. I'm tired and sleepy. Exams coming up. Have yet to properly study. Wonder if i'm prioritizing the correct things first. Thinking about what some people said to me. Thinking too about people's action. Thinking too much apparently.

Wow... 1 paragraph of random thoughts in 5 mins.

Anyway, meeting up with pastor later in school. Been a while since having a chat with him. Busy schedule the past few weeks... @.@

Ah... That's all for now bah... See yah next time i (hopefully) actually think of something to say... Talk about random updates... =x

Just to clear the cobwebs

Ah... Been a while since i blogged. Can't help it anyway, internet at home is still not fully up yet, only one person can access the internet at a time...

Got a new phone last Sunday. Just sent it fr servicing yesterday cause of a stuck pixel... Ah... Played with it for less than 2 days and it was, back to square 1 again... It seems like the repair is done... I wonder if i got time to collect it today...

Ah... I guess i should get ready for classes now. See yah!

Going to leave this place to rot for a while. Don't really have the mood to blog. Just seeing what's life going to throw at me next. Everything happens for a reason. Hopefully i'll be able to take it all.

See yah around then. (:

Posted up the previous post while i was still groggy from something... Either the throat infection was taking energy from my body to recover or the meds were causing it... Finally was awake enough to think about it yesterday. If ever such a girl stepped into my life, did i notice? Or was i looking somewhere else then?

I believe i've met a girl like that once. But i've lost her. I was inexperienced. I was stupid. Didn't knew what i had still it's gone. One doesn't really get much second chances in life. Can't blame her for everything that happened.

Am i a good guy? Quite far from it. There's still so much i don't know, so much i wish i knew how respond to, how to take care of. I shouldn't be prove that good guys exist, but that it's possible to become one. Sorry Jon that i'm not really that good guy you think i am. I'm just another normal guy trying to find his place in the world, and trying to do it without hurting anyone along the way. If it's just me getting hurt, it's fine thought, better only 1 person hurt then more than 1 feeling the pain.

Ah... Just reflections at the moment.

How to define a good guy or gal? Not really sure i guess. Just someone who genuinely want what's the best for everyone? Someone who works for the people? Someone who does what everyone wants? Someone who meets expectations? Someone who doesn't screw up other people's life?

So many questions, so little answers. And here i m, still searching for the answers.

Wouldn't be fair if i didn't post this up too

I’ve read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and screw up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made.

Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging.

Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find?

Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?

Taken from I'll Be There For You.

Oh well, kind of shows how dumb guys are. All of us are dumb somehow i guess, not appreciating what's around us until it's gone... :/

I guess i should go sleep early today... Wonder if i will recover enough ot go school tomorrow... MC covers tomorrow too so got excuse if i want to skip... =x

Oh well, that's all for now. See yah next time i think of something to post...

Going Vintage

Haven't really blogged in a while, maybe cause nowadays every time i feel like i got something i want to say or what i feel about things, after much though decide that it's best kept inside. No use sharing the distress at the moment, don't think some people are ready to take it yet at least... =x

Kelvin, remember what your name means... Show grace and be graceful...

Man... Stupid paranoid nature of me is starting to come up again... I wonder what triggered it... Must be something i did recently... Ah... Time to re-learn self control... Again... But someone who will just reassure me will help too... =x

Something just came to mind recently. Don't let someone else have a hold over you. Don't let anyone manipulate you. Best way to see is to ask around, for some reason people around tend to see everything better then from your point of view. There's a reason i don't borrow too many things from people. Sometimes it gives them an opening. Not everyone is so bad, like those more honest ones. But just be careful of those who just lead you into their hands bah... :/

Ah... Trying to save money recently but it just keeps flying away... Going to try a few different ways this week to see if they work... Today was not eating lunch, wonder what should i try tomorrow?? =x

If you wonder what does my title mean, refer back a few post to the one the church camp i went to. Vintage as in a vintage car which value increases with time. Just keep trying to improve myself at the moment, nothing much else i can do anyway. :\

Ok... I'm getting very tired... Ought to go sleep already... See yah around!!

Preparing For War...

Finally remember to pack my hobby tools from a hobby that never started off... Hopefully these tools will make my life easier over at Alpha Centre. Hopefully... =x

Just remember someone say all is fair in the game of love. I guess that's the excuse people give to back stab, sabotage, destroy, be unreasonable, beat up, kill, fight, push down, discourage, cheat, humiliate and other stuffs i can't think about now. I guess that speak volumes about their values. I guess to me it's not such a fair game after all.

Interestingly, 2 days ago on Sunday, while having breakfast (number 2) with friends and Auntie Lee Cher, we somehow ended up on the topic on relationships again. She said girls prefer guys who are sensitive and that the guys from church are actually quite decent. Then XX said i'm actually quite ok. Was shocked at first cause she rarely even compliments anyone, as least to me. =x Then Auntie Lee Cher went on about housework and how if a girl called you not man enough, she doesn't deserve you, and i just sat there staring while chewing my straw, cause i really didn't know how to respond... Was called nervous, but just really couldn't think of anything to respond cause was caught off guard... =x

I guess i don't like seeing people who run away from problems cause they can't handle it. What happened to responsibility? The problem would just come back later and bite harder then it did before... Yeouch...

Just wondering how fast can i bounce back from a set back now. Still seems very slow. Whenever i thought i'm okay, something else comes in and i feel lousy all over again, and the recovery process starts all over again. But i know i'll be fine eventually... Just a matter of when only... =x

Do you know who you are? Or are you just hanging around people in hope of becoming like them and hopefully having a friend? Find out who you are, not become like those around you. It gets harder and harder to be someone else, but all it takes to be yourself is just setting yourself free, and it gets easier instead of harder, cause you will be at less conflict with yourself. You are who you are, don't let anyone else tell you who you are, you show them who you are. There may be points we don't like, but that's where self improvement comes in. No one stays the same, but you can still be you even if you change. Look inside. Find yourself. Don't settle for being someone else. Show them who you are.

The paragraph above isn't random. It is meant for someone, don't know if that person will know it's for him/her. Can apply to anyone i guess. So do you know who you are?

I guess that's about all for now. Ulcer hurts now... Oh well, see yah around!

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
- Nickelback - If today was your last day

I ougth to start living up to my name...

Met the guy who helped gave me my Chinese name recently. Forgot to ask him why he gave me my name. Asked my parents what it meant anyway. Zhi was part of family tradition. The En came from the pastor. Supposed to mean grace. I ought to live up to the meaning... Hmm... What's the meaning? Er... Here is the definition from dictionary.com:

–noun
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses. Compare grace period.
8. Theology.
a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.
b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.
d. Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.
9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.
10. a short prayer before or after a meal, in which a blessing is asked and thanks are given.
11. (usually initial capital letter) a formal title used in addressing or mentioning a duke, duchess, or archbishop, and formerly also a sovereign (usually prec. by your, his, etc.).
12. Graces, Classical Mythology. the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.
13. Music. grace note.

–verb (used with object)
14. to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house.
15. to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.

—Idioms
16. fall from grace,
a. Theology. to relapse into sin or disfavor.
b. to lose favor; be discredited: He fell from grace when the boss found out he had lied.
17. have the grace to, to be so kind as to: Would you have the grace to help, please?
18. in someone's good (or bad) graces, regarded with favor (or disfavor) by someone: It is a wonder that I have managed to stay in her good graces this long.
19. with bad grace, reluctantly; grudgingly: He apologized, but did so with bad grace. Also, with a bad grace.
20. with good grace, willingly; ungrudgingly: She took on the extra work with good grace.

Er... Looks like a lot of things to attempt to be... @.@

Someone told me today that one of my previous post about nice guys is true, cause most of the time nice guys just can't stop being nice, even when they are treated like crap sometimes. =x

Today kind of lost. Have been feeling a little lost the past few days. Can't seem to get myself to program anything... Today didn't help make it any better anyway... Wonder if things became worst...

I got a feeling i talked a little too much yesterday... Forgot about what my journal is for again... Someone wack some sense into me... Not literally... =x

Ah... Just tired from a long day. Going off first bah... See yah...

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own..." - U2

Talk about battle scars... =x

Went for my physiotherapy yesterday morning. Horrible reviews from the therapist about the condition of my body. "Man... I've never gave someone so many stretches to do in a session..." was one of the responses i got. Ah... I guess this is the result of not exercising regularly... Someone should try dragging me out to exercise... =x

Then back in school was the surprise, which wasn't really a surprise due to some circumstances, for the birthday people of the month. Managed to finish the slice of cake in 4 seconds and avoided the fate of having a cake smashed into my face. But the result of it was about the same, since i cramped the whole cake into my mouth anyway... Face will definitely be affected... Lazy to upload photos now... =x

Today was another lazy day. Almost didn't make it out in a piece... Thank goodness all i got out of it was temporary scars... =x

Hmm.. I just wondering what's up next? After all of this is over, what will happen? Ah... Wonder how long more to go...

Planning something next week. Not sure what will happen yet, or what exactly i'm planning... XD

I guess that's about all of now. See yah around!!

Ah... Ice Cream promo again... XD

Ben and Jerry's having another promotion again, this time on youth day. Buy 1 scoop of icecream and get another free!! =x Link

It has been a tiring week. Almost everyday in school... Friday was at SGH for a checkup though. Nothing much, just going for physio tomorrow morning from doc's advice.

Got a feeling something's going to happen to me tomorrow in school... Can't confirm anything yet... But with so many people suddenly talking behind your back, probably something be wrong... And with people randomly doing the evil laughter too, something MUST be wrong... Let's hope the Tigger costume thing doesn't come true...

Ah... Nothing much left to say already bah... That's all for now. See yah! =x

YAYA (PAPAYA) CAMP 2009!! =x

Ha... Many probably wonder what does the YaYA mean. It stands for Youth and Young Adults in my church. We call it YaYA in short. Sounds nicer, and rhymes with papaya too... =x

First day, was out getting stuff for project before heading home to get bag for camp. Ice breakers were ok, cause my group didn't managed to win any... Even after i sacrificed my hair... T.T

Had dinner before having out first session with Sarah Allis Young. Interesting story she of her life before you got to know God. First session touched on identity. Guys tend to find their identity in work while gals find identity in guys. What does that mean? Guys have this tendency to judge their day with their work and how well it is. Usually when we have a bad day, it is usually due to that we didn't do that well in our work. Likewise for good days, where we are happy with out work. Girls? She stated how girls always talk about guys, and when guys don't treat them as well as they want, they have a bad day.

So i was asking myself, at least for the guys part of the above statement, if it was true. Kind of, sometimes i guess. Finding my identity in the wrong thing? My identity is in God, and no one or anything should decide what i am. Felt better after that, cause no one else has the right to dictate who i am. (:

That was one of the few stuffs i remember from the first day. 2nd day started with breakfast with a little twist. Had breakfast while doing devotion. Covered the fruits of the spirit. Had different fruits to represent different fruits of the spirit. Slowest breakfast i have, but was quite good time besides the point that my nose was going off at the wrong times... =x

Was followed up by another session by Sarah. Er... I wonder if i can find notes from anyone... 2nd day was one of the flu-ey days for me... Was blur throughout the day. =x

After lunch was a session by Wan Hsi about prophetic worship. I guess i fell asleep halfway cause of the flu... =x Not that it was boring, just that i was really tired for soem reason. Woke up before the thing ended though. The thing i picked up in that session was that worship should come from the heart.

After that was our own CSI game. Went around a small portion of Singapore trying to solve the mystery of how a person was murdered. All the clues were like all over the place... And the answer to the dead person was so... so... Man... She fel down the stairs not dead yet... But was an allergic reaction to a new drug that killed her... So actually no one killed her, just that an accident happened...

There was another session by Sarah. A question that came to my mind then was if i'm willing to trust God with the extraordinary. There was this time where we were asked to see what God told us of someone else. First we were to ask our partners if they were an animal what would they be. 2nd was what car would they be. 3rd was what picture do you see when you think of them.

First was with someone and i told him he was an mouse cause he was quick and fast and very hard to catch. He said i was a cat cause i am softspoken. =x

2nd and 3rd time i felt a little pressured cause i was partnered with the senior pastor of my church. For the car question, i told him i thought of a toyota cause it was hardy and lasting. He said i'm a vintage car, not cause i'm old, but cause i will grow in value, i guess in the sense that i will continue becoming better. Felt quite good after that. =x

Last question, i saw the house, in the countryside. Warm and cozy. Just get a feeling that people approach him for help cause they they they will be safe with him. And he saw me as those power tower that hold up power cables, that without me holding the connections in place, it will all fall apart. Felt appreciated then. =x

3rd day was on Sunday, so had usual church session at 9am and 11am. Only difference was that we had to attend both sessions intead of the usual one... No second breakfast that day... T.T

The first highlight of the day was treasure hunting, not in the finding stuff sense, but finding people. We were to ask the Holy spirit to put stuff on our minds and we were to write it down. We then go around finding people that matches the stuff we wrote down. Was exciting. Prayed for people along the streets. My group only found 1 person that matches the things on our list. Was looking for an umbrella, but since it was so hot, didn't really expect to find one until we saw the ice cream man. =x

After that was free and easy period, but was used for discussing the skit for the performance that night. Ended up with one that was a modified version of Noah's ark. There was the Tamil tiger, scape goat and no-eye-deer (no idea) among other things. Kind of threw in bird flu, swine flu and reindeers too. =x

Then it was the performance it self. Found props all over the place last minute. I was playing the no-eye-deer. Our skit was about this bunch of animals trying to get back on the ark cause they forgot to get on board. So imagine this: No-eye-deer gets an idea, pigs get swine flu and flew carring the tiger, tranforming the tiger to tiger airways. No-eye-deer ask praying matis to pray for rain so that the deer becomes a reindeer(rain-deer). Imagine a deer flying blind... =x

And since it was the night of the camp, people tend ot sleep later. Many slept after 3am, 4am++. Me? I slept around 1:30am. Can't help it... Project has done that to me... Sleep when you can, cause you never know when you have to pull an all nighter... =x

So the next morning my alarm rang at 7, i snoozed it. 7:10 again, and i snoozed again. 7:20 ringed again, but this time i turned it off. Next tiem i woke up was 8:45 and the the next sessin was supposed to start at 9... I was thinking of just jumping out of my sleeping bag and rushing, then i saw everyoen else around me still sleeping... So i took my time to wash up. XD

The session started an hour late, but was still fine cause we got the session. =x Was about angels and something else which neither my bro nor me cna remember. =x

The talk about Angels was interesting, cause apparently they were all over the church, and Sarah could see them. Some of us could too. Supposedly could feel them too. I just wonder if i felt them or is it the air-con sometimes... But hoenstly some of the spots where they were identified, it felt either warm or cold sometimes when i placed my hands through. Someone actually said she saw angels march into the room the moment the worship started. XD

After the last session, packed up, and joined soem people for lunch (NEPALESE FOOD!!). Before heading back. Wanted to go back to school after it all, but was too late... Called Singya and asked if i was needed in school on the way out of my house. Kena called crazy cause by the time i reached would probably be too late already. So i walked out of my house and walked back in again... =x

Ha... It has been an interesting weekend, bothe fun and tiring. Ah... That's what i can remember about what happened. =x See yah around!!

Ha... Was planning to start on designing my new blogskin today, but i guess i kind of reached home a little too late... =x

Yup, i'm finally back from church camp. Had loads of fun, only thing that held me back was tiredness, was one of the few people that slept earliest each day. Probably used to school life of sleep when you can, cause it's not much anyway... =x

Will talk more about the camp some other time, when i got more time to elaborate as much as i want to. XD

Anyway, would like to share something i saw on the blog of a friend of mine. Was quoted from another blog:

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Taken from here.

Oh well, that's all for the moment. See yah around!

QUOTE OF THE DAY!! =x

"When i got something to say about people, it means there is still a chance for them to be saved. When i really don't have anything to say, it means really no more hope anymore," Lucas, Project Partner. More better known as L.

I think i twisted my leg again... =x

Oh well... Probably placed my leg in some weird position today while playing basketball again... =x

And i'm having a camp this coming Friday... Man... XD

Had a BBQ last Saturday with Alpha Centre mates. Was ok i guess. Was kinda too tired to really enjoy everything, among other reasons... =x

Phone died on me that day... The back light of the screen failed and i could only see the screen under a light source... Try being only able to sms under a street lamp... Interestingly, the screen is fine after i used an old piece today. Ah... have to handle it gentally... =x

Sorry Jon, stories like last post only comes once in a while. Usually after those stories i suffer from writer's block. =x

Man... Almost forgot about tomorrow's class gathering... Was thinking of another full day of project... I wonder if i can tear myself away from the project room... XD

Sometimes i wonder what's up with the situation life is putting me in. Most of the time i seem to be stuck in the middle. All the different choices in life just seems to throw themselves all at the same time. Doors open, new opportunities awaits. To take or not to take? Or is waiting a wiser choice? Waiting could result in something better, or worst, being offered. Hmm...

Oh well, lets just see what life in stalled up ahead. Hopefully will be able to take whatever will be thrown my way. See yah!

And This Is A Story...

A story about a boy just trying to make it through life. Life hasn't been smooth sailing for him. A few months back he broke up with his first girlfriend. One could say he's still trying to find himself after after his loss, but some feel he has recovered quite a bit since then. He doesn't feel that way though.

There was once when he believed he was getting along better. His ex and him were friends again at least and he didn't want to take it for granted. Suddenly a friend of his for at least years got interested in his ex. He was upset at first, but decided to control himself and just see how the situation will work out. For some reason, his friend saw him as a threat, and every time that friend saw him with her, just random playing around or talking, he tried to get in the way. Our main character got irritated, but decided to still be as nice as he could, walking away from the anger.

A group of them were out once to get stuffs, and since it's a big group, his ex would end up walking next to him sometimes. This friend of his would squeeze in between them. He was irritated, not by the fact he couldn't get close to his ex, but by the fact that he has to keep changing direction just to make space for this friend of his to squeeze in between. it happened once... Twice... 3 times... 4th and 5th... Then he just gave up and decided to just walk up front where no one will walk, leaving this friend of his to his own means.

He was upset but somehow got himself out of it again. Then another guy somehow managed to mixed into their group. He was open to this guy, like he was open to anyone else. Then he got closer to his ex. He was upset, but decided that it was better off kept to himself. The earlier mentioned friend gave up on her probably cause of this new guy, and suddenly started becoming nice to him again, but to him, it just feels artificial at times now.

As he saw his ex get closer to this new guy, a dagger kept sinking deeper into his heart. He doesn't know why. He asked himself, "Ain't i over her already?" But the pain still lingered. Then signs begin to show of something more between his ex and the other guy. Rumors started. But he still decided to keep his composure even though everything inside him was feeling all messed up. Each new thing people says about them feels like a knife plunging into his heart. He doesn't understand why he still feels this way. And he wonders if anyone cares about how he feels.

He wonders sometimes, why does God put him in situations where it seem to hurt when it seems like it shouldn't be at all. The only reply he gets is that no one else could probably take the pressure. He heard of people jumping off building cause their parents don't let them take a certain CCA, and laugh at the fact that he's still alive after all that he has went through and still am going through. He thought to himself, "I wonder how that kid would have done in my shoes..."

There was this once the people around him started talking that all he was is a replacement for when the guy isn't around. He was hurt. Cause if all he was is a replacement, he rather be no one to her at all. He asked her, she said no, that he wasn't a replacement, wait a while more and all that's really happening will be revealed. "What's really happening?", he wondered.

He sometimes wonder how is he able to still come to school each day smiling, knowing that something's wrong with himself, and continue moving forward. Life goes on, he tells himself each day. God will provide and make a way, he keeps telling himself. God has always made a way for him, but he's finding it difficult to trust anyone, even God, at the moment. Probably the smile comes from that inner joy given from God that no one can ever take away.

There are times when he just disappear from where he's meant to be, just so he have some time alone to reflect and think and seek refuge in God. Nothing seems to make sense to him. The guy just broke up with someone, and now am close to his ex. His friend treats him like crap at first and suddenly treats him nice. He's suddenly kind of good friends with his ex again. Nothing makes sense, not that he not happy with the some of the things happening. He doesn't want to take anymore things for granted.

Sometimes he just get lost in thoughts. He doesn't want to think about things, but it just comes to him. He doesn't know whether his respond to other people's actions are the best respond he can give. All he knows is how to move forward in life. There are times when he just want to run away, just disappear, but it would have been the opposite of what he has been preaching to people, not to run away from problems. Practice what you preach, he keeps telling himself, practice what you preach.

There are times he wonder if he is being too nice and letting people walk all over him. "I'm like a doormat eh??" Sometimes he would ask himself, laughing.

There seems to be this hope inside of him, a hope that something will happen. Something that will help him see that hope in life paid off. Hope in the future paid off. Hope.

And his story goes on, like all life stories should. His story has yet to reach it's ending, and so until then, life goes on and his story continues. Watch out people, here he comes.

The Script - Before The Worst

Just a song i find beautiful at the moment. Sometimes relationships just don't go the way you want them to go and you just hope taht everything is back to the way it was. That's what this song is about



It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life

We we're thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

If the clouds don't clear
Then well rise above it, well rise above it
Heavens gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we use to, just like we use to

Lets take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Let's see what else i've learned about r/s so far, kind of applies to every type, from friendship to the more serious end. It can't be built on any kind of negative feelings, like hate, jealousy, bad intentions, craftiness, lies etc.. to name a few. Honestly, it's very hard to see people's intention. The more you hide, the more seeds of doubt you plant. And discord will sprout from those seeds. Not only discord, distrust will also come along. There's a reason why the government and peopel are trying to get charities to have transparent bank accounts, so peopel have reason to trust the charities in the first place.

Oh well, That's all for now. See yah!

Looks like all it took was a good night of sleep to settle the flu... BEAT THAT FLU!! =x

Ok, maybe i'm still not at 100% yet, but still alot better then yesterday. Studied in school today. Hopefully enough for the paper tomorrow. Aiming for a pass at least, don't have much confidence in this paper cause i didnt practise enough... Will for my exmas though... =x

I guess i just remembered what my private journal is for... Somehow forgot it for a moment... Oops... =x

Oh well, that's all for now, i think... Weather getting hot... Hopefully can sleep tonight... See yah!

Sniffles

Someone once asked me why am i so sensitive, shouldn't i as a guy be tough? Then i was thinking likewise i guess, but now i know one thing: This is me, i'm sensitive, but so am i tough. The sensitive part of me is what makes me human, helps me feel and empathize with those around me. This is a part of me i hope i will never lose, or i may become the biggest jerk in the whole world.

I guess there was once i wondered why no one actually cares if their actions caused another person hurt, and decided that i will try never to let me do such a thing. I've been less than perfect, but at least i try.

Just wondering what do i really want at the moment. Do i want to go? Do i want to continue? Do i want to just wack someone up? Do i want to talk? Do i just want advice? Do i just need a listening ear? Do i want to move on? Do i want to cry? Do i want to run away? Do i want to just sit there and do nothing? I wonder what do i want... :/

Was at a wedding yesterday. Wasn't an usher, was mroe of a logistic person. Very simple wedding. Was carrying stuffs around, setting stuffs up etc.. Helped out in the tea ceremony. WAs kind of interesting, cause i knew very little about it, and the person in charge didn't knew much too... We kind of learned along the way. XD

Let's see... Helped out in 3 weddings already so far, all have very different feels to them. First one felt abit grand, probably cause it was my first one. 2nd one felt very organized and well planned, every little thing was planned right up to the nitty gritty details. This one, the latest, was the simplest. Wasn't very big, everything was just mainly the bare essentials. Interesting stuffs can be learned from weddings, and conversation topics too... People usually take wedding as chances to talk about things they don't usually ask, like r/s... =x

Move forward they say, but what is meaning forward? What if you need to take a few steps back before you can move forward? Wondering what the next step in life is... :/

Ah... Been a flu-ey day today... Probably will rest earlier today... Or i don't know how am i to study tomorrow... *sniffles* Man... i hate these leaky-nose days... Kind of mess up what i can do for the day. And how fast and well i can think too... Going wacky already... @.@

Looks like The Script writes quite good songs about relationships. First impactful one for me was "The man that can't be moved", followed by " Break even" and now " Before the worst". For some reason i can't get sick of the song at the moment, keep playing it on repeat on my com. Am i becoming a fan?? NOOOOOOO.... Don't want to be a fan of any band or singer... No particular reason though... Just don't want to become too into a band and not listen to another type of music or band... XD

Just when i'm thinkign abotu resting early tonigh and my flu suddenly subsides, at least for a while... When couldn't you not bothered me forthe rest of the day, horrible flu? And now i'm talking to my flu... Yup, i'm going crazy... #.#

I don't think i cna churn out anymore things to type here already... Probably should go rest soon. See yah.

So what am i to you?

And here i m, wondering where do i stand in your life. Am i just a passing wind? A ripple in the pond? A sandcastle by the sea, or a palace at the peak? A firebug glimmering, or the sun shining brightly and strong?

There's a reason i don't feel like going for the bbq. Now may have a reason to reconsider going, but my main reason on why i don't want to go is still there. In the end it's still my choice. Not everyone can keep absorbing the hurt and still stay okay all the time.

Sometimes, i don't know what to say anymore. Sometimes, i don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, i don't know where i'm heading anymore. Sometimes, i wonder why am i even moving forward for anymore. Sometimes, i feel no one actually cares about how i feel anymore. Sometimes, i just think i should jsut disappear. Sometimes, i just want to tell you off for what you have done/ are doing. Sometimes, i think there are no more sensitive people in the world anymore. Sometimes, i think i shouldn't even be here in the first place. Sometimes i don't know what i'm even talking about anymore.

I tried crying myself to sleep yesterday night. Couldn't. Could only sleep after stopping.

I wonder if my heart can take any more...

Ok, so where did i last left of? Hmmm.... Thursday... Friday was an interesting day i guess, went from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. Nothing much to say about the darker part. The brighter side was that they celebrated my birthday after bible study that day. Was actually very tired after it since it was already 10pm, an since there was tea avaliable, i thought about taking a drink to help me last the way home.

I took a cup of tea from the kitchen to the living room and jsut stood there silently to reflect about the day and clear my head of un-important stuffs. Suddenly someone said off the fans. I thought to myself: since we are already going off, that seems ok... Then someone said off the lights. The i was thinking about how weird it is but was too tired to continue the though process of why the lights went off. Then a cake came out of the kitchen. Everybody started singing the birthday song, and i sang along, wondering whose birthday it could be... Then it came to the part, "Happy birthday to Kelvin..." Then i went, "WHAT!!" and was stunned for the rest of the night... Someone had to remove the cup of tea from my hand before i sat down to make a wish and cut the cake...

Must have arrived in a weird mood that day, not to be alert enough to spot them carrying the cake into the kitchen or even realise that the birthday cake was for me... @.@ Thanks anyway for the pleasant surprise.

Saturday went to the sinseh again, not sure if it helped much though. Went to Sim Lim Tower after that to get a component box. wonder how i managed to move so much with my legs bandaged up... =x

Sunday played L4D with Ben, Jason and MingCi for a while. Don't really like the game though. Jsut don't really like horror stuffs in general, not that i'm not good in gaming. don't really game much nowadays anyway, project has been taking up alot of time already in my life... And sometimes the way i feel about somethings in life doesn't help much at all... X_X

Birthday itself was interesting... Had a project review. May have screwed up, but at least i was honest in answering the questions... Don't know just say don't know... =x

I guess i'll just be prepared for anything now... The people at Alpha Centre have yet to even "celebrate" my birthday... Still wondering what they have up their sleeves... Keeping a spare shirt there. The spare shirt was for in case i over played basketball in school, but now i guess it serves another purpose in case things get a bit too violent there...

Was i actually happy for my birthday? I don't know. I really don't. Last year i didn't feel alone even though i physically was alone. This year feels like the opposite. Don't really know why.

But thanks for the day people. Thanks for the present(s). Thanks for the review encouragements. Thanks for the craziness. Thanks for helping me maintain sanity. (:

There's something i want to address at the moment, but don't know how or when to do so. Why do i have such weird incidents happening in my life?? Ah... Maybe God don't think anyone else could take it but me? >.<

Sometimes i wonder if people know what they are going into, if they actually thought about the consequences... I sound like i'm nagging again... Probably cause i seem to keep saying the same old line... @.@

I suddenly feel like writing a sing of sorts... But too bad i spent the time writing this blog entry instead... Some other time then...

Ah.. Better go rest liao... See yah!

Chao Tar Fingers

Was at a BBQ yesterday. Campus Crusade BBQ. Ate, chat, cooked food and probably ended up with burnt fingers too. Seems like my fingers are getting used to being burnt, doesnt hurt as much has they used to. XD

Seems like my outlook on life has changed quite a bit from the past. Used to like to bring up the past alot. Now i just want the past to stay the past, and only take back lessons from them. Not going to let the past haunt me.

Was chatting with Joel and Jacob (Waitamin... Just realised both have names starting with Js...) towards the end of the bbq. Talked about NS, walk with God, life and BGRs. Listening to people sharing experiences is comforting sometimes. Helps put some stuffs into perspective. Still a long way to go for me...

One interesting thing Jacob shared about was about God opening wounds that haven't been healed properly. We either become numb to the pain of a wound, or we are healed from the pain. Both may feel the same, but are actually very different. This topic came about when he was talking about how he felt when his ex got attached. Another phase to go through will probably be his ex getting married and having children.

And yeah, this may sounds like an excuse, but true men do cry. It's not easy for men to show their emotions, so when we do, it takes a lot of courage to do so. =x

I kind of understand what he meant when he said when it felt like a dagger piercing his heart when he found out his ex was getting attached. Let go and move on, that's one of the way to deal with it. Just don't know what to do sometimes. It hurts, but yet i can't do anything about it. Got a feeling i'm getting very good at hiding it... Maybe a bit too good...

Had a medical appointment this morning. All i did was went there, waited, and saw the doctor to tell me that i'm fine and he can't find anything wrong with my heart. Got good news and bad new though. Good news is that i won't have to go back to the National Heart Centre for a while. Bad news? I still have to go back ot the hospital cause i asked for a referral to see another specialist about my legs. One day i may just learn the whole layout of SGH... Been to enough building to roughly know where most the things are... Wonder if that is a good thing... =x

I wonder if you knew your actions was causing someone else pain but that person chooses not to tell you because that person doesn't want to affect you negatively, what would you do? Or do you not care at all? Statement not meant for anyone in particular, just random thoughts after a long day. XD

Another random thought again: Love doesn't have to hurt. When it hurts, it usually means something is wrong. And then there are the usual options on what to do...

Man... Going to need a soon. Helping out in another wedding the following Saturday. Wonder how they choose ushers for weddings... Somehow i got in... Been helping out in too many? Hmm... But it's quite nice to be at weddings. Have the dreamy feel to them... And they are quite fun too!! Especially when they share their experience. The next best part will of course be the food... =x

Looks like i like listening to and reading life stories. Some are so nice that we wish it would happen to us. But the thing is that each of us have our own life stories to live out. At some point the stories of 2 people may become 1 story, or a story may become that of 2 people. All of us have a different and unique life story, that's why i don't find it boring to listen to more. The best part? It stories never end till the end of you lives. That's how i feel true stories should be: Never ending. (:

Ah... Better go to sleep now or i may end up a zombie tomorrow... See yah!

Never will i live in hatred or anger again

Try not to get me too worked up. Thanks (:

Heard a interesting song today. Originally done by Michael Jackson. Man in the mirror. So there's where i'll start with. See yah next time!

I'm starting the man in the mirror... I'm asking him to change his ways...

I'm trying not to think too much...

I guess there's a reason for every dream we have, or at least those we remember. It usually reflect what we are going through or are thinking about. had dream involving a lecturer, probably cause then i was occupied with work. Had dreams about someone else, probably cause it has been a while since i've felt that way, and will probably be a while before i feel that way again.

Suddenly i realise i don't remember how those feelings felt anymore. I remember dreaming about how it felt, and it felt great, but i can't seem to remember how it feels anymore. Wondering if it's a sad thing or a happy thing now. Sad cause i forgot how it feels to be _____ and be so happy, or happy cause i don't yearn for the to feel that way as much now.

Anyway, on to happier stuff. Went out for lunch with Ben and Jason after church today. Got carried away at the arcade cause we just can't seem to lose... =x So we ended up leaving the arcade late... Hopefully Ben made it back to camp in time... XD

Was thinking about watching a movie at first, but in the end couldn't find something all of us could agree on so ended up LAN instead... Been ages since i've went to a LAN centre... Still as horrible at gaming as i was in the past, not that i'm complaining about it. =x

Won't be in school Thursday morning for a medical checkup. Was thinking how nice it would be if i had company waiting while waiting for my turn, but don't expect my mom to be with me. She would probably complain about how long we have to wait for my turn to see the doctor anyway... I guess i have to make do with what i have with me at the moment... Bring the PSP out of semi retirement? Find a power socket and play something on my computer? Hmm... Attempt to solve a rubic's cube? Ah... Wait till then will i then decide i guess... But no rubic's cube... Brain already saturated from all the information on robots... @.@

Ah... That's probably all for now, better go prepare for tomorrow. See yah.

I can wait forever... For now...

Talk about an oxymoron for an title... But that's the way some things are some times when people are not ready for commitment. I guess it may also describe me at the moment.

I guess i'm in a weird mood at the moment. I guess i should be happy at the way things are already, which i'm actually am already. But sometimes i still wonder if there is something more. Or may i be just be thinking a bit too much at times. Don't be greedy Kelvn...

Man.. The NBA game this morning was crazy... Talk about hitting the game winner with 1 second left on the clock... Crazy stuff...

I guess my life is just a mixture of weird situations, with a bunch of ordinary people trying to find the best way to live their life. And when situations get super awkard... Life still goes on. (:

Wanted to blog about something but totally forgot what it is... Must be getting a bit too tired... @.@ Better go sleep now... See yah next time!

Still Surviving i think

FYP so far still behind schedule. PCB just sent in for checking, hopefully will be able to settle components order by tomorrow. Then will try to find some time to do a bit of homework before starting on the programming.

Sometimes i wonder why i still struggle so much. I try not to do something that will cause people to "stumble and fall", yet i feel like sometimes i "stumble and fall". If it's my own doing i'll learn from it, but if it's someone else's actions, just doesn't seem good to me. Everybody can only not bother about something so much. Anything more, it would only be possible with divine help. =x

Wonder why was i thinking of what job i would lie kot take up during the break after poly before NS... Was thinking of helping out at some childcare or gettign something related to playing with young kids... Ok, may be thinking abit tooooooo far... =x

Some days of my life seems to be weird at times when i think back about it... Other days are crazy... Some are just depressing, the rest ordinary. They are still days nevertheless, meant to be given your all or it just will never matter at all. Carpe Diem people.

Man... Looks like it's going to be a warm night tonight... Going to have to use the fan again i guess... Waitamin... Suddenly there's wind again!! HURRAY!! =x

I guess i better go grab some eye shut. That or either i learn how to sleep in school... Oh well, see yah around!

Simple Plan - I Can Wait Forever

Beautiful song so i guess i'll share. (:



You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away

And I can't lie every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face tonight
Cause I just can't take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait, I can wait forever

When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it won´t stop bleeding
But I can wait, I can wait forever

You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, man I wish that I could stay

And I can't lie every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face tonight
Cause I just can't take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait, I can wait forever

When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it won´t stop bleeding
But I can wait, I can wait, I can wait forever

I know it feels like "forever"
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch makes it better
Until that day there's nothing else that I can do
And I just can't take it, I just can't take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait, I can wait forever

When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it won´t stop bleeding
But I can wait, I can wait, I can wait forever

I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever

What is love again?

Someone: What is love?

Me: God?

Someone: No... i want you to tell me what you learned so far, not some ideal answer...

Me: Ok... What i do know about it is that it's a lot of things. A mom feeding a child is love. A dad scolding his son is also love. A sister chasing her brother can be too. That hug from the child to the parents is also heart warming. It can be a feeling, when we feel something for someone. It can also be a choice, when we can choose to either ignore or help someone. It can be that kid helping that old lady cross the street, that man giving up the seat for someone who needs it more. It can also be this(link), this(link) and this(link). That's how much it covers i guess. Still learning as i go along.

Someone: But is that all you learned so far?

Me: Don't think so... Still got some stuffs i probably can't remember at the moment. Another one is that it can also mean holding on to something/someone cause you want to protect it/someone and let it have a better future, or letting it/someone go cause it's the better thing to do. Holding on is what many people know how to. It the letting go that seems so hard sometimes.

Someone: Why does it seem so hard anyway? Isn't letting go just letting go?

Me: Sometimes, you get so used to somethings in life, that letting of of them seems like the end of the world, cause they were part of it. It's like having part of yourself being ripped out, like losing a body part and becoming handicapped. But when you realise that holding isn't going to help them, what are you supposed to do? Hold on and deter the person from developing in life? That would be selfish, wouldn't it? So letting go may not be the easiest thing to do, but sometimes its the right thing to do, and if you really love that person, you will.

Someone: The concept of if it's meant to be yours, it will be?

Me: Not the point, at least for me. You don't really bother if the person comes back or not, it's more like that if that person is fine and happy, learning from life and becoming a better person. Somehow it joyful to see someone you care about becoming a more better person each day.

Someone: What if the person isn't fine and happy, or just not becoming any better at all? And becoming worst instead?

Me: Ah... Where did all these questions come from? I guess i'm still looking for the answers too. I guess my first reckless reaction will be to try and do something. But i guess sometimes people don't learn lessons until they "bang their heads against the wall". If you asked me what i knew about love a year ago, i would have probably said something that wouldn't even make sense at all. But now, after "banging" so many times, i know a little more than i did then. A teeny little bit more. These people may fall down and bruise themselves a little, but i'll be there for them if they need a hand. (:

Someone: But what if there is absolutly nothing you can do to help at all?

Me: I pray. And i pray not as a last resort. It's more of a all the time thing. You can't be there for them all the time, but God can. When i'm powerless, He's strong. Entrusting them to God helps with the needless worries, be it for life or them. Maybe i pray alot cause i'm insecure, have too much worries and think too much. But believeing that there's this powerful person taking care of those things we treasure, those things we love, helps alot with life. But it doesn't mean we take what we have for granted and stop doing anything altogether. When the time is right, we'll probably know what to do.

Someone: What if this someone of this group of people special to you hurts you? And deeply too? Will you still love them? Or will you end up hating them?

Me: Ha... If i ever end up hating anyone for long cause of this, my parents would have been my first targets already. It's hard to forgive at first, cause, at least for me, wondered about "why would i be hurt anyway? Doesn't this person love me too?" But i learned to look inside of myself, and ask myself if i've ever hurt them in anyway. We humans are falliable beings, and it shows that all the more we should forgive one another. If we make mistakes, we apologise and learn. And a quote i saw recently to round it off: "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

Someone: Then do you think love sacrifices?

Me: Love doesn't sacrifice, but sacrifice can show love... Ok, not sure about this yet... Or i may be a bit too tired to think... Ask me again in 6 months? =x I'm still learning new stuffs everyday, hopefully one day i'll be able to at least know a little of what love is about. (: