In the past i wondered what it meant to be so close yet so far. People have told me, shared experiences with me, but i never really understood it. Until now that is. I still wonder how it came to this. Maybe cause i was too blind.
They say you never know what you have till its gone. Quite true i guess. It starts with that gapping hole in the heart. The empty feeling inside. If not careful, it can grow and consume us, until all thats left is just a emotional black hole, sucking life out of ourselves.
No one ever said waiting was so difficult. And the one part of waiting that adds to anxiety is that we won't know the result until the wait is over. Many wonder if the wait will be worth it. Will the results please them, or will it disappoint them? Me? Either way the results turn out, I think i will fine with it with time, but of course i want the better one, who wouldn't?
My mind needs a little fixing i guess, have a tendency to misinterpret actions. Looks like observation skills have been failing me. I need to discard my paranoid side... The one that keeps pulling me down.
I've wonder what it will be like if i broke down. Just break down and cry. Last time i remembered just breaking down was in primary 5 when i first actually meant what i said when i cursed someone. And it frightened me then, that i actually wanted someone to die for what he did to me. I was frightened of myself, of what i could have done. What happened after that? My mom settled it somehow for me. Details please approach me, it was quite personal experience for me.
Hmm... Heard of my theory on why i shouldn't have super powers? I'm too easily swayed by feelings, so will i end up a hero or villain? All it takes for anyone to become a villain is a twist in their life. Anyone can be a hero, and so likewise anyone can be a villain. And so that's why we don't have superheros on this Earth anyway, casue it probably will so so messy that none of us will be left standing.
Looks like i'm taking Weibin's advice to blog out what i feel. But looks like some stuff i can't really express at the moment or this place is just not suitable for. Just got to find other places i guess for those stuff.
I wish i could read minds at the moment. To know what people are thinking about. Probably its due to me paranoid. But sometimes i wish i knew what people were thinking of about, cause i want to know their thought process. To know how they thinking, what they are thinking so i could uderstand situations better. But it never is so easy i guess, all i can do is try to figure out somehow.
Am i seekign the wrong things? Should i be seeking for answers? Or should i be seeking something else? I seem to be ending up with more questions everytime i think. And suddenly God shows me, seek him first and everythign else will be given to me.
If last week was the worst week of my life, this week probably be he 2nd worst. At least its realtively better. When at the bottom, the bright side is that it can only be up after that, at least for a while before another fall will be from high enough to do major hurt.
Thanks ot all who have been supporting through this period, like Lucas, Wee leong and Weibin. Helped made the period abit easier. Especially Weibin who got a lashing from me for no reason other then that i was being too paranoid. =x
The tougher the challenge, the tougher the challenger. Hopefully i can make it through. At least i'm not alone. Thanks to those who have helped encouraged me and prayed for me, every little bit helps to lift my spirits up a little.
Press on, i tell myself. Press on towards the goal. Even if the result isn't what i wanted, i will still thank God for giving me this chance with you. (:
"To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven." - Karen Sunde
"In the final analysis, love is the only reflection of man's worth." - Bill Wundram, Iowa Quad Cities Times
"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile." - Elizabeth Browning
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