It's Gone...

Interesting what the 'O' levels can do to one without any signs. 1st is that i have gone crazy. Second is that i am now lost without really a goal in mind. thirdly is that i am worrying about my future. Forth is that i suddenly don't fel anything for any more girls. Not that i am becomeing gay or anything, but i just can't be bothered about it anymore. It's just like the feeling suddenly disappeared, it's gone just like that.

There was so many things i would like to do during the exams, but now i have lost the mood to do them. I have suddenly lost my solitaire playing skills too. It was probably only now did i realise that a lot of those things require a lot of $$ to start, Put them all together and you have me in debt.

I remembered during when we got the news that the papers will be pushed forward an hour on thursday and friday. Having gotten teh same news from 2 totally unrelated people must mean it is true, so i decided to spread the news too. A few replied. One was saying thanks, 2 others were in doubt. One of those in doubt was my crush a few years back. Let's call her J. She's attached now so don't ask me to do stupid things. It's interesting how some things work out. We never worked out, but probably kept in contact due to my sheer will. Maybe i still have to learn to accept certain things. Maybe i have already accepted my fate.

I used to wonder why was i helping people when i had nothing to gain. I knew the answer to that question deep in my heart, but was probably afraid of facing it. I helped people because i want to. Because it makes them happy. I didn't to it for my own gain but for their gain. So now i tell this to myself everytime i feel like giving up, that i am doing it not for myself, but for others.

Some times i wonder if i am a burden to people, it i was better not ever being borned at all. It not what comes naturally to my mind but what peopel around me put into my head. Some times people can say they are your friends only to talk behind your back, saying what an ugly person you are. It teh previous statement true? I don't thing so. J asked me not to give her a birthday present. I don't know why. And some other people force me to give them presents. Anyway, then it sounded like she didn't wanted to see me. All she said she needed was a greeting. I insisted on a present for a while until i realised she was really serious that i give her nothing at all. I gave in. It just wasn't worth it anymore.

I guess i gave up on many things cause it just wasn't worth it. And i still will be giving up things because they arn't worth it. What's teh use of fighting for a worthless cause when it will cost all you have and you will still lose?? It's all about weighting the pros and cons. When there are too many cons, give it up, it ain't worth it.

All the feelings,
It's all gone.
Don't even try to bring them back.

It's never coming back.
I'm sure.
Don't call me a fool for giving up,
It's worth it no more.