Need... *pant* to... *pant* run...*pant*

What am i running from? I don't know... Why the title? I am not sure... Just feel like running away from everything... That probably the reason. I guess that will help me feel better. But i know that it will only help for the moment. Even if i managed to run away, i will still have to come back to face the world... the horrible world where material is everythin... where i hardly fit in... where i m so paranoid... where i have to play peacemaker... where i can't get the peace and privacy i want... But to look at the bright side to be fair, at least i have some friends worthy of mention, a caring family, teachers included... So i guess i am still stuck here, as i don't think i will be able to run away for long. So what's the use of running away anyway? Look like i gonna stay here for a very long time...

I actually always wanted to be warded to the hospital. Just for the fun of it. I always wanted to skip school with the valid reasons and not be shot at.(by the teachers, that is, no offence to anybody) I have always wonder what is it like to stay in a hospital for a few days... Wonder who will be bothered enough to visit me besides my parents... guess i will never know at the rate i am going, which is that i have never been to a hospital besides the time my dad was in the hospital... but that was a long time ago. But i guess i must be careful with this wish, or i just may get what i want...

Really feel like running now(pratically). But this knee of mine is prone to aches... hurts at times... but guess this is what i get for ignoring it in the past... I need to find another method of detressing beside basketball, or i am going to kill myself next year with the 'O' Levels coming...

Guess that's all my thoughts for today. Guess Lilin Was right about me feeling jealous over Swee Hao's blog. You can go read it in her blog at the links. Why should i jealous over some one's life being more interesting than mine? Guess i am not really happy with my life but not to the extend of wanting to become someone else.

That's probably all my thoughts for today. So till the next time i blog, be happy with with who you are. And remember i will be here, if you will ever need a listerning ear or some one to blast at or some one to talk to.(althought i doubt the first and last ones will ever apply.)

New Beginnings? Nope...

Brand new skin, brand new tagboard, but mainly same layout. This skin still seems quite nice even though it is quite dark. Guess i just got board of the old skin and found this nice one and decided to change. The midi background music is quite nice. the lyrics are also on the opening page. I found it myself as teh original didn't have it. Had to fill up the space with something... meaning and matching and thus found the lyrics. Comments on the change on the tagboard please.

Wow... never knew changing skin was so easy... must change once in a while to keep it looking... fresh. Always felt something was missing in my blog. Then i realised it was time to change the look, but guess was too lazy to do it until today... But nevermind, i did it anyway, didn't I?

That's all for today. Till the next post, kill mer if you feel i am idiotic or dumb or anything, that's is if you can do it without getting nailed down by the police, feeling guilty(i doubt so) or something like that. But always remember that i am only human and make mistakes too so forgive me.

Block-ed Off

Writer's block is what they call it. For me, it just that i lost the mood to write. I am even hestitating to write this. I can't get the peace nowadays... with my brother moving in and out of my room... same for my mom... Can't they understand a teen's need for privacy? Oh sure my mom says she can't read anything on the screen but how cani have the peace of mind with you walking into my room all the time, even when you don't have to? My bro is just a busybody who can't handle authority well, and guess what? I am also one of the "authority"...

I can't seem to find the reason to write anything at the moment. It just seem pointless now too... Ate a little(probably alot) too much for dinner just now. Was feeling horrible eariler. Till am now. I need to burp now but i can't.(need to burp? Well, it helps to relive my stomach of the excess air and thus clear it a little) What do i have to write about. I am also guessing my brother is going to come in any moment. killing him us against the law, so i will have to tolerate him, like i did to so many more. Tired today after a student council mass meeting. Damn tired. Seated for up to around 3 hours... feel like sleeping now.

Check out Swee Hao's blog, the link is where the links always are. It brand new. And it is now getting all the attention. Jealous? Of course I am. When I started out, mine was never so popular.(No offence Swee Hao) He also wanted me to blog, so here it is. And thank goodness my bro is not here yet. That's all for today, so till next time, can you people please suggest to me a reason to blog or a topic? I am currently getting dry on ideas.(Even thought i said this many times before in my other posts doesn't mean you can ignore it.) Cause it would be such a waste to shut this blog down.

Mama Mia!

Man that pizza yesterday was good. An hawaiian lover and super supreme from pizza hut, some where at orchard. I bumped(not actually but saw) into someone from my school. We don't know who each other are but probably knew each other only existed. Her name is Jenifer(name tag was there, i wouldn't ask anyway). She was working there. And now my bro is asking me why was i not wroking away my holidays... Any way, i love that stuffed crust pizza... still can taste the cheese in my mouth... yum... anyway, it was just my mom decided to bring my siblings and i for pizza because i kept asking for it? Complex...complex...

Nat talked to me about being a fool yesterday. Said i would get beaten up if i give others the attitude i gave him yesterday online(heck care, can't be bothered etc...). Just told him that my online personality is different from the real me. Complex personality problem i seem to have... hmmm... Oh well, at least i m not those kind with drastic changes, or do i? *ponder* Who knows and who cares anyway? He said in real life, people would probably laugh me off then rater beat me up... see the meaning? I am so dumb that it can can get me into trouble and get me out at the same time!!!! WOW!!! But he left me thinking if i want to stay like this all my life. Good question. I won't find the answer easy though, look like another few nights of sleeplessness for me...

That's all for today. I think i will leave here with a quote from an anime series "Gundam Seed Destiny" which i think is quite meaningful. ["If I had the power back then, if only I can get a hold of such power..."Anyone who has cried over his lack of power will think that...Probably...But from the time you get a hold of that power, you become the one who makes others cry.]

Lost And Found

Lost and confused some will say. I argued with my mom yesterday. Do i like argueing with people? With the exception of some, no. Especially my own family. But do one this think i can let my mom go on talking( complaining, not nagging, disrupting, crapping to some, lashing out to others) ? I chose to ask her nicely. At least this time i didn't shout. Improvement!!! She was lashing out at my brother for misbehaving at my uncle's house(babysit, childcare, etc...) but come on, the people are generally bias against him. Even if he done wrong, i don't think he would actually shout at my grandma(where my mom got her genes and now eventually my bro). My mom and bro are very similar. If they can't get what they want, they will do something...drastic? Or interesting? And if they are unhappy, they will lash out at others and shout away... probably my bro shouted my my grand ma, considering this fact... hope my talk to him yesterday did something good, as he could have ended up worst. My mom? she just kept saying she given up on him that kind of crap etc... Saying like how she is a bad mom etc... But i guess when i kept rubbing in the fact(she doesn't listern much to what people say) that if she knows that why don't she change kept her quiet for most of the night(most, not all).

Now for another matter all together, i finally re did the "poem" i wrote a few years back. It was when i was interested in somebody, no more eleboration. I named it "Found", and thus teh title Lost and foun for today. Here it is:

I was at the mall last Sunday
Looking for a gift
Went to a store I noticed days back
Which specialized in personally named gifts
I looked around the store
Looking for something that I knew was there
With a little help from my hands
I found what it was
Shocked by the name I saw
I went to the next stand
Scanned the listed of names available
And found the same name
Smiled this time when I saw it
There were necklaces on display
With peoples names engraved in them
I immediately looked for the name
Like it was second nature to me
I asked for it
After finding out it was the last one
Lucky me I thought
To be able to get it
With your name on it
As of all three items with your name on it
This was what I have been looking for

Very cheesey it is, but there wasn't any other better way to represent it.

Laughing at myself?

What's so funny? Is seeing a poem written 2 years ago with such bad vocab and such angst so funny? Guess it is... Want to see it? no... not until i have improved it up to standard first... so until then, u r gonna have to speculate about it...

I have got nothig much to type about today... juz slowing picking up the pace to speed up my home work... got a feeling a teacher is gonna read this thought. When i was in school today and i happen to saw my maths teacher's face, i was shocked. She looked like she got up from the wrong side of the bed... i shall not eleborate thought besides that she looked menacing... adding a reason to my list of reasons to do my home work... for good or bad? guess i will have to stay alive to find out.

And an early Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Quoted a little but can't remember from where. i m gonna end here. Short this post is as i feel nothign much today. So till next time, rerember to keep smiling even when life sucks, cause it does. :)

Paranoid or tired?

Life been okay so far. Just trying to get int othe mood to do my holiday homework. Started already but still too slow... looks like i gonna have to do at the fastest speed i can. Force myself to see my maths teacher face for "motivation"... but oh well, life still goes on... house work is still done by me... my mp3 player just broke down...

Porbably the only thing good about this week is that the chalet incident have been settled, i hope... according to Nat, he has settled it with Lilin. I can only wonder if it is the truth. After all, i m very paranoid... very very paranoid... or is my school work getting to me? I will just have to wait and see...

Finally ther are tags on the tag board. Guess they are only asking me to link them so they can be more popular with their blogs... If you are reading this, I am honestly just kidding. I can link anybody who i know, as long as their blog doesn't have any offensive material and they ask me nicely.

I just finished building an Gundam model for my little brother. I wonder why he would even get something he can't build himself... guess it is always up to me to do it then... but ain't that what big brother are supposed to do? i enjoy building model kits anyway...

That's all for today. Till the next time you read this (If anyone ever does) , remember to tag on the tag board and never become too paranoid, unlike me...

All I Know...

This time I am going to say all I know about what happened at the chalet. It may sound the same from the one Nathaniel had on his blog but I did not copy and paste. This is my recollection of that event that Thursday night.

A few of us went to the arcade after the BBQ. To name some(or maybe all) Nat, Wei jin, Yong Kang, Minda, Yi Ming, Swee Hao and me. Swee hao and yi ming ran off half way to LAN(CS, Warcraft 3). We played till around 10pm when we decided to head back. On our way back, minda got a call from Melvin saying that there is an emergency and head back quickly. On our way back, we met some teachers. We asked them to come over if they got the time. When we got back, some of them were already back discussing about the situation. We found out that four of the girls(Lilin, Lina, Sam Lim and Nurul) were in the other room with four other guys we just met the previous day. The guys brought alcoholic drinks for them the previous day. This time there was no difference.

Somehow the sound of 4 guys with 4 girls in a room with alcohol and cigarettes didn’t sound good. And from the way one of them invited Nat over, it was worrying. Those of us in the other room then started to brainstorm for ideas on how to deal with the situation. Guess Melvin was chose to let it be, but other than him, everyone else was scared. Scared of the possibilities. All that could happen or was waiting to happen flashed before me.(sounds dramatic but that was how I felt) when Jeanie and Melvin and Minda had to go, we decided to do something, we can’t just sit there and worry all day.(night I suppose by then)

Nat decided to call the security while I went to get the teacher we met earlier. Guess life is tough, as the teachers only came slightly earlier than the security. The teachers confronted the girls but they kept saying there wasn’t any guy in the room. One of the teachers then saw the guys hiding in the balcony. And thus the cat was out of the bag. Guess we guys had to act as if we do not know about a thing when the teachers were lecturing the 4 girls.

Sure they know that it was us now, but do they know how we felt? About you girls being in there with alcohol and guys? Sure you can say you are not drunk, but the experience with Weijin the previous day taught me not to take too much chances. You never know when lady luck starts to favor someone else over you. The teachers actually said to the security that they will take of the situation and asked them to go. However, security were called back again to escort the guys out of the room. The girls were sent home by the request of the teachers. Parents were called down to pick them up. And that’s how it ended. Our form teacher wanted to drop by for a while later, but he decided not to. I wonder why.

If the girls read this entry, I am sure they will be unhappy with me. But can I let Nat take everything? What’s done is a combine effort. And I still feel I did the right thing. If anybody got a problem with it can look for me. This is just what I saw and did. Any other views didn’t affect this entry. You can look for any of the people mention blogs by visiting my other friend blogs. If you find me accused of doing something, you know what I did. And I came away clean.

Now that’s a load off my shoulders. And this is probably one of my longest entries. But who cares? Let’s see if anyone is reading this anyway. If any one read this entry, please tag. I don’t care if you want to curse me or what ever after reading this entry. Just tag. You can proceed to read the next section, with is just my feeling about the past few days and my personal experiences.

Now a day, it just seems like God is playing with my heart. Played truth and dare at the class chalet. I may never dare so truth was always my choice. And what questions do they ask? “Who do u like?” “do you still like. …” I an sick of this kind of question!! I am going to ignore how I feel for some people for the moment. Why? BECAUSE I AM AN INMATURED IDIOT!!!! DO YOU PEOPLE GET IT?!?!?!? Now, where was I? Oh, and I keep seeing people that looks like my primary school crush. They look like here but is not her, as their height is totally different.(No offence here) Every time I see her, I get the infatuation feeling, which is my heart start beating extra fast and I get tongue tied. Guess at least I know it is a crush. But God keep letting me see people like her. Guess I saw at least three people like her already… and they are not her. They look the same but are different. Either height wise(no offence), attitude wise(also no offence) or whatever wise(no offence okay?) And one of these look-alikes is in my school. Only thing is that she is younger. Damn dumb that every time I see a look-alike and get pumped up and tongue-tied for nothing. Guess God can be cruel at times but I hope this is for a good purpose.

A friend of mine just got a girlfriend. Not that I m jealous or anything and wanted to write about it. When I said I don’t think I am not ready, he just said I was missing out on something. I only replied that I hope I wasn’t missing out on anything bad. Guess he didn’t hear me as he continued taking about how he is planning to give her a bunch of Burger King Voucher for her birthday… and I guess we became to busy arguing over if it was a good thing to give a girl voucher. I was of course on the side that said it was totally wrong. But never mind. Like I said, I won’t have a girlfriend at the moment. And even I was interested in someone, I will choose to let the feeling to die down. It is painful but the pain will go away, I hope…

Now, this really is the longest entry I have written. My fingers now hurt. Time to end this and start my homework. And I am sorry I didn’t end the previous entry my usual way as I was thinking over about what happened at the chalet. So that all for today. Till next time, stand up for what you think is right, cause no one else can change you’re your thinking besides yourself.

Lost?Confused?What am i doing?

Just back from class chalet today... n now i start using the three dots again... had fun, even thought there were time of frustration(i will nver rent bikes from that stall again)... i juz hope everything ended up alright... i want to type about it, but not now... may be later whne everything is settled... just remember if u u looking for someone to blame, it is me... not that i did anything wrong but, u can blame me, i should be able to take it... some people r hurt to a exptent that hurtin them seems to be nothing...

Looks like i m back to my depressing self for a while... need some time to think over some stuff... not i admitting to anything thought... could probably come up with a poem or something like that now but maybe i will share one i wrote today... No title yet thought...

Feeling lost and alone
Even thought i am not
Alone in the corner
No one seems to care
I could disappear for all they know
And no one will realise it

Working in the shadow
Behind everyone's back
Little take notice
Fewer know what am i doing
Left hungry and alone
No one will ever know or care

Closer to the edge than anyone will ever know
Or ever find out
A few more steps
Could mean the end for me
Worst of not knowing
How many more to the edge

Why not back off?
Made the choice to stay
Why not run away?
Running away won't solve them
And thay will always be burden
Mine to mine to bear alone

Mid Air

The title today is... different... i picked this title as i m going to write about anything, picking up subjets from the middle of no where, or out of the air.

First thing, couples... everytime i see one in the streets, i wanna hide away. I don't know why, but i just probably feel sad that i may never be like that, so it's best for me to hide away and not see it instead of staring blankly into them... the last time i stared blankly, i knocked into a signpost... but anyway, it just seems to be a fact for me at the moment, so why not accecpt it ans just move on?

Now... What's next? I got no private life... nothing mich interesting happened recently... and if u wanna hear how badly i sung, you can go to Nat's blog to check it out... am i scared of being critisized? no... I got nothin to lose here anyway...

Next week is the class chalet!!! YAE!!!! Tomorrow meeting some friends from outward bound school. We haven't seen each other for a few months... hope thay recognise me with my new hair cut... hehehe...

That all for today folks... So till next time, keep the smile on your face and i will try to keep one on mine... and i only said i will try...

...WOW...

Went to my friend's house again today, and got a major whooping in a card game, thanks to my new deck... must improve it some how... I got whipped faster than whip cream... have to think of a new deck...

Yesterday, Nat came over to my house to do a recording of a song i have written... my must admit i did horridly... oh well, what have i got to lose anyway? All i know is that i need to imporve... but how? I shall leave this to Nat to settle...

This post is short... nothing much happened today... And to end the post like always, remember never to give up hope and ignore that criticism that you think is useless in helping you become a better person.