A Letter To Her

Hi there,

Guess I always start a letter the same way. Why am I writing this? Cause I am confused. Confused about how I feel. That is why I chose to concentrate on my studies this year. This strange feeling caused me countless nights of sleep in the past and it still do today. I wish for it to disappear, but at the same time, I want it to stay. You may never read this, but I hope you will know.

That day on the bus, I did not really heard what you said. But I realized what it was after I was back home. I was worried because that was the day of the murder in our neighborhood, and decided to ask if you made it home. Then my mind had a play back. What did you say that you did not want to repeat yourself? The scene kept replaying over and over in my mind, until I got it. Guess I am an idiot for not being able to think on the spot. For that I am sorry. Cause when I realized what you said, I just blanked out. Thoughts than started to fly across my head: Did I just miss a chance? But didn’t I promise myself I will study hard this year? Who can I ask for advice? What am I to do? What is this feeling I am feeling? Am I crazy? Somebody kill me!

What am I to do anyway? Tell you that I would or would not have done it? Tell you that I am going to not bother about you? Or should I ignore you? What will happen if I do any of this? The possibilities are endless. Sure I showed concern. But I am not goingto breaking my own promise that easily. Guess I am torn in half. Now you seem to be ignoring me. Is that good or bad for me? Guess I am only full of questions and nothing else. And probably full of crap too. I have chosen to support you from the shadows all this while. That’s probably the way it will stay. Do I want it to change? Sure I do. But is the timing right? I don’t know. Is it the right time to break my promise too? I don’t know. Cause the last time I succumb to this feelings, I was made us of, humiliated, and thrown aside. For me to give in to this feelings again will mean I have to face my past. The past that I have chosen to have leave behind. I can forgive but I can never forget.

Will anyone ever understand me? I need someone that I can trust to talk to. Do I even have someone out there? I trust God to help in my life, but he cannot help me in everything. There will be things that I have to settle myself. Will God help me in this matter? Wish he would, cause it is getting harder to read peoples minds.

All the best to you
Kelvin